Yesterday I broke down on my way home. It was dark outside and for some reason when there's nothing but a full moon and the Texas stars shining down in my car, I feel closer to God. The light was almost blinding and I was feeling as though God was guiding me down the dark country road. Clearly the infatuation stage has subsided and now I'm getting into the inner workings of the change process that many Christians go through. For a while I slowly quit trying. But I still decided to pray.
I asked God to help me because I'd exhausted myself completely out of wanting to live for Him. When I decided to follow Christ last year, I understood the basics and I knew that Jesus is merciful and kind and blah blah blah. But somewhere in the mix I started unfairly challenging myself and setting my expectations higher than the ones God had for me. I'd make up ridiculous goals of going a day without judging someone, or thinking bad thoughts or complaining. You can imagine that I failed all the time. Pretty soon I allowed my old, destructive way of thinking to creep back into my brain. I started believing that perhaps this Christian thing wasn't for me because God was making His standards too high and that I'm too weak. Once that thinking made its way back into my life, it became harder to accept anything positive. I didn't mean to blame God; I even realize that none of what I was going through was His fault. It just sounded good at the time because it matched my miserable feelings.
Still, even though I was gradually slipping away from my relationship with Jesus, I was never able to transition completely back to my old lifestyle. I may have said a few bad words or had two glasses of wine too many, but something instilled within me wouldn't allow me to go back. I told God that being with Him must be where I belong. I know this because in all of my past attempts to get my life right, I failed and ultimately had no problem with going back to my old ways. This time, it's different. I know so because last October I chose to see for myself what all the Jesus fuss was about.
I thank God for this test. I know I failed (and that's OK), but I still learned. I learned that God doesn't give us what we He know's we can't handle. I'm also aware of the human nature that I will trust Jesus to help me change. These past weeks I've noticed how impatient, judgmental, susceptible to negative change I am. I can be short, inconsiderate and unstable with my emotions. I have A LOT of issues. This is great! Now I don't have to pretend that following Christ is easy. Now it'll be much easier to understand why I instinctively try to find other ways around doing what God wants. Perhaps I'll be even more patient with understanding the Bible. I mean let's be honest, the Bible is hard to understand. Even with all of the versions available today, I still have to close it, walk away and then come back.
I'm not perfect. I don't completely understand that just yet, but I'm getting there. Another thing I'm not, is a failure.
Song of The Post: Shawn McDonald - Ramblings of A Beggar
[K]
