Have you ever been in an argument with someone who had the best response to all of your insults? And it wasn't until after the argument is long gone before you come up with at least five better responses you could've used? You know that your confidence in being the best arguer/ yourself would dramatically increase if you had the capacity to come up with better rebuttals but, almost always, you're left alone to relive each horror after the next while mentally kicking yourself in the leg.
Take my day, for example. While I was at work, my ex-boss came in through the drive-thru and ordered two lattes. Immediately, thoughts of the way he, his wife and his staff mistreated me up until the point where, without warning, I was fired, arose. It's been nearly ten months since they let me go and I still don't understand why it all happened. But all of those feelings of confusion, anger and revenge resurfaced and I couldn't help but want to get back at him. Now it goes without saying that if you're a barista and you're forced to deal with psycho customers, you add decaf shots of espresso instead of the shots we generally use. So the moment I saw him at the window, my first instinct was to decaf both lattes. However, I knew he'd still recognize me so I passed on my plan to my co-workers who then made the drinks the way I wanted.
After he left, I checked back with my fellow baristas to see if they'd actually decaffed his drink. They did, but they also did something else. It turns out my ex-boss also wanted them made with skim milk and, unbeknownst to be, was instead made with whole milk. When I learned that my co-worker went above and beyond my expectations, I felt an even greater sense of satisfaction. Because before I was let go, my ex-boss's wife had just quit smoking and always complained about how much weight she gained and that she couldn't fit into any of her designer jeans anymore. And if there's one thing most women wish on their female adversaries, it's that they gain weight.
Once I got home, I told my mom that my old boss showed up. I explained to her what happened with the decaf espresso shots and the whole milk, and the further I got into my story, the shorter her grin became. She said it was the wrong thing to do and that no matter what they did to me when I was working for them, that I can't just go around exacting my revenge on them or anyone else who's wronged me.
"Stop trying to make this a teachable moment", I told her. Yet, she insisted that it was.
I became so upset with her. It seems like every time I have a legitimate complaint about how my jobs have conveniently misplaced my work schedules, overworked me or questioned my responsibilities outside of the office, she'd side with them.
'It's not their job to be concerned with you,' she'd say. Or, 'Just get through it the best you can.'
It always bothered me that she would not only side with them, but believe that an employer has the right to mistreat the people that help them. I didn't see my mom for the rest of the night and spent the rest of my time upstairs in my room. At that time I thought about why I felt it was a fair decision to sabotage their drinks and why I felt satisfied afterward. It didn't take long to figure out my reasons. I spent ages 14 to 21 being depressed because of bullies, family problems and low-self-esteem. I thought everything would go away if I learned to live with it, but it never did. You see, even after hardships passed and everyone around me got back to their seemingly happy selves, I was still stuck in my mental mud. The girls at school who gave me a hard time never did leave me alone until I left for college. The last time my sister told me I was fat and that no guy would ever want me, was before I was admitted to the hospital. For those eight, long years I carried those problems and words in my psyche thinking that I was doing a good job of getting through it the 'best I could.'
While I was in the hospital I was so angry with myself for letting it get as far is it did and for never sticking up for myself. I took every insult and angry look, locked it away inside and allowed it to torment me during the prime of my adolescence. I always pretended not to hear or see all of the bad things that happened to me and it backfired. Like I spoke about in the beginning of this post, I thought of all the great comebacks I could've said after the arguments were long gone and ended up kicking myself for it. It still hurts to think of my younger self who walked those hallways with her head down or stayed in her room all day feeling more alone than ever. It's hard to think of how I felt or looked each time I was demeaned. Because the more I think about it, the more I feel I should've done something.
Now that I'm older, I don't take shit from anyone. I can't allow myself to go down in that way again. Today I equate sticking up for myself with self-worth. So when I saw my old boss through the window, it was a moment where I chose to finally stick up for myself. To make up for all of the other times that I let them walk all over me. But more importantly, my beef with him was enveloped with all of those other times I never stood up for myself and regretted it later on.
For the record, I know it was wrong to deliberately mess up his order; it was petty and immature. But in that moment, everything became a giant blur accompanied by a rush of emotions and I didn't think about anyone's feelings but my own. And I have to tell you, it felt good to finally experience that.
