Humility (Pt. 2)

The second definition that was revealed to me, and one that quickly left an impression, has to do with vulnerable humility. My entire life I've been the friend that made others laugh. This was where I felt most comfortable around people and with myself; to this day I still accept this part of my personality as real. But let's be honest, I don't wake up every morning ready to crack a joke. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed because I still deal with my mental demons. Other days I'm irritated or hurt. Feeling like this definitely makes it harder to get through the day. Furthermore, for anyone who knows me well, it's very easy to determine whether or not I'm in a good mood. Determining when I'm sad is easy. Getting me to talk about my feelings is the hard part.

I don't like when people worry about me. I don't like crying in front of people and I don't like talking about anything that could bring up painful memories. I have so much pride in the area of coming off as a strong person that the last thing I'd want is for anyone to feel sorry for me. I used to wonder why most of my friends would come to me for a laugh but not for an amateur counseling session. Now I know that it's because I don't show that side of myself. A few weeks ago, my mom told me of a really rough time she had during her childhood and it shook me to my core. My heart was hurting for her but my mind wouldn't allow my internal feelings to show on the outside. I felt like an idiot just sitting there stone-faced while her voice is cracking just trying to get through the story. I remember being ashamed of myself because I didn't have any clue as to how I could shake this pride.

A few days later I learned that a part of being humble is being vulnerable and honest. People need each other during the fun, silly times and the sad, crying times. Let's face it, life isn't always one big joke and bad things DO happen! In The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren talked about this very issue. He said something like,

'If people really could handle things on their own, then the problem would've been solved by now.' 

This statement automatically threw me back to January 2010 when the foundations of my life were shaken. I was still the jokester, but I also had my own issues. I had so many problems that I eventually became too ashamed to think about them amongst myself. The interior of my life was a dramatic difference than what people could see on the outside. And for the last 8 years of my life, what I worked so hard to hide was suddenly revealed for all to see in less than one day. Even after my hospital stay I was too embarrassed to see my friends because they had seen the years of pain that I didn't want anyone to ever know about.

After this happened I remember questioning God's plan because I felt that I didn't deserve to go through that experience. But after two years and a lot of thinking, I realize that it was all for good. This experience taught me that it's OK to have feelings. I'm learning that cheesy wedding vows and Touched By An Angel episodes make me tear up. But more importantly, there is more to being a friend than having the ability to make people laugh. People need one another to vent to and to cry with; I'll be the first to admit that this lesson is one that will take a lifetime to learn.

Song Of the Post: Stacie Orrico - Dear Friend

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