Tug-of-War

I've definitely fallen off since I last posted. In a way I feel like so much has happened when it really hasn't. I am not the same person I was when I began this blog and to me that's a harder pill to swallow. Some time ago I convinced myself that I spent too much time trying to be perfect for God. Every time I tried to do the right thing, the wrong thought or action would follow close behind. The more I tried to be perfect for him in such a short amount of time, the more I became lazy and resented the process. After coming to that conclusion, I was convinced that my traits of awful road rage, my constant crave for a drink and impatience with prayer was who I really was. I was tired of trying to help myself so I instead chose to remain stagnant and settle.

But ever since I made that choice my life has changed drastically...and not for the better. I'm always finding myself wishing I could go back and at least be happy. I was really happy when I was walking with God, but now, I'm not sure what I am. Anyway, because I think so much of how great my life was when I knew Christ, I thought I'd make a small list of the things I loved about my relationship with God:

1. Always waking up happy and grateful.

2. My constant attempts to see Jesus in everybody that I came across.

3. My ability to control my thoughts and words.

4. My desire to give to God.

5. Always having someone to talk with.

6. Reading and learning from the Bible.

7. Looking forward to church.

8. My iPod/ car stereo blasting my favorite Christian artists.

9. Knowing that my life is not my own.

10. God's grace and patience with me.

11. Wanting to know more of God all the time.

12. Having a positive outlook on life.

13. Having an appealing attitude.

14. God's gift of perseverance to me (which helped my snag a 3.4 GPA in my first year at UNT)

15. Never wanting to worry about the future.

16. Learning to love myself.

17. Learning the difference between God's voice & Satan's

18. Being certain of my life after death.

19. Being fearless.

20. Being genuinely happy.

I'm sure there's more to add to the list but my life was obviously what and where it needed to be when I walked with Jesus. I think about that life all the time and wish daily to get back. I am absolutely positive that when I was with Christ, that it was real. Just like any relationship, when you're away from someone for a period of time and all you can think of is how happy you were with them, to me that means some type of impact was there. Even though I don't live the way I should, I can still hear constantly, yet faintly His Holy Spirit. Sometimes I wish I couldn't hear Him and that He would leave me alone, but I honestly don't know what I'd do without His spirit. I know I want God back and He knows I do.

With that being said, thank you Lord for not leaving me behind. Your patience with me confuses me so much that I can't stand it. But I think you know how much I love and miss you. Please help me to walk back to you and to fight the urges to do the opposite of what you want for me.

[K]

Song of the Post: Matt Hammit - Let Go