Too Busy For God

I always believed that laziness was the cause of my downfall to my failed attempts at staying in a close relationship with God. There were times when I'd wake up one morning and not feel so on fire or as close to Jesus as I had been days before. I looked at it as Jesus no longer seeing anything in me. Furthermore, I'd give up and abandon my relationship with Him and continue to pursue the life I thought I'd left behind. This time around, I haven't given my feelings the power to determine the course of my relationship with God. Ironically, however, it is busyness, not laziness, that is driving a wedge between God and myself.

With the holidays still in full swing, my job as a sales associate at an over-priced home furnishings store has totally consumed my energy. Not only am I having trouble remembering what day it is, but I'm not spending a lot of time with my family or God. I was frustrated because I knew I was too young to be working so hard that I didn't have time for anything. I was becoming more irritable and started putting my time alone with Jesus aside. The first time I did this, I didn't feel guilty because I knew God would understand my busyness and me being so tired. Little did I know that this would become a habit...but only for a very short period of time.  The more I put off spending time with God, the more distance I felt between Him and me. It was a really dark period in my spiritual life because I loved being on fire for God and the joy it brought me and I no longer wanted to live life without that feeling. Now, I'm not going to lie, but I did think for a while that my relationship with Jesus was pointless because I believed that I didn't have it in me to make Him proud of me. Thanking God in the morning, reading my devotional, bible studies and prayer just didn't feel the same and I got discouraged. Thank God for pastor Rick Warren!

I've started reading The Purpose Driven Life a few weeks ago and one chapter that really got my attention was the one titled 'When God Seems Distant.' In it, I learned that God designates times in our spiritual lives to draw back and test our faith. I tell you, the instant I read and understood that statement, I was humbled and honored that God knew my strength to be strong enough to test. I also learned that God's omnipresence and the manifestation of His presence are two things. One is fact while the other is based off of emotion. Furthermore, God distances himself to test our faith in Him and His truth. In doing this, I can evaluate my feelings and not let them determine the course of God and I's relationship. I feel silly that I misinterpreted His distance in my first few attempts at changing my life. Therefore I'm much more confident that because this attempt will be one worth constantly improving.

After reading that chapter several times, I then moved on to the busyness plaguing my young life. I knew being too busy to include God in my life was a bad thing so I did some research on it. In doing so, I learned that if Satan can't get us to sway back into our old habits that Jesus delivered us from, then he'll try to distract us from God by keeping us occupied with work and other obligations. Well, thank God for simple revelation! I may have fallen for the devil's trick this time, but I'm glad I caught it! After these discoveries, I feel much closer to God and my faith has increased. It was definitely worth all of the doubt I had (which I'm still working on) and I have a lot of confidence in what God has in store for me and how He wants me to handle different situations.

As this year comes to a close, I am amazed at who God is and how He works. The beginning of 2011 wasn't my best and I was still very much lost and depressed. But what a difference a conclusion makes! Not only have I given my life to Jesus, but I'm mentally stable and medication-free for almost a year and a dean's list student with a 4.0 GPA with a brand new, optimistic outlook on life. I am extremely blessed to be His child and super excited for 2012. Thank God for new beginnings! Happy New Year!!!

Song Of The Post: CeCe Winans - The Wind (Tears For You)

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Where's The Fire?

There comes a time in everybody's life when we reach an age where it's OK to be young but not OK to act youthful...at least all the time. To you, it may seem like being a young adult is all the justification needed to live life on the edge but to those who have been around the block a few times, it's usually looked upon as immaturity.

I have always been known as the jokester. I am quick to make people smile or laugh and I love the feeling of making people's day just a little easier to get through. This trait of mine is one that has been with me for as long as I can remember. Even now at 22, I still joke around as if I'm still in high school. Now I'm learning that there is a time and place for everything and that not all situations need to be made out to seem humorous. It's good to have this trait, though. It never hurts to know someone who is a constant optimist and can find humor in almost any situation. I know this and my friends and family know this. But sometimes, especially when it comes to my mother, I feel as though my joking personality isn't well received or always understood. Ironically, I inherited much of my sense of humor from my mother so her inability to look at mine as some sort of outlet really baffles me. I can remember her telling me to grow up, to act my age and to be serious. Whenever I'd hear her make these remarks I'd die a little on the inside. To me, I interpreted that message as 'be other than who you are!' As a fragile, sensitive person, these remarks were daggers to my already broken spirit.

As I have consistently pointed out in previous posts, I lacked self-esteem, was bullied, suffered from mental setbacks and was struggling to fit in anywhere I could. It was hard enough being mistreated by my peers and even my younger sister, but to feel as though my personality was disliked by my own mother really cut me deeply. That was a few years back. Obviously now I've managed to take back my mind, purpose and confidence all through God's grace and I haven't felt more useful and at peace than I do now. I pray all the time for God to strengthen me in all areas of physical and spiritual life and it is apparent that I am making progress. But even to this day, from time to time, my mother still tells me that I need to grow up and that by now I should have more friends, a boyfriend and should be a part of a sorority. My spiritual growth is happening everyday, but the pain and defensiveness still comes out from time to time whenever these circumstances arise.

I remember my Nana telling me stories of what my mom was like growing up. Like me, she was a quiet, reserved and smart girl who got picked on at school, too. Perhaps she dealt with these events the same way I did by internalizing what they said and accepting the idea that what those girls said about her was true. Now my mother never ended up in the hospital for bottling up her emotions like I did, but I can still see traces of the effects it had on her life. For instance, I can't remember the last time my mom had a consistent friend to hang out with. I never grew up seeing her and a close girlfriend sitting in the living room talking in to the early hours of the morning and I never saw her go on girls night outings. Thinking about it now, I do feel bad because we share similar experiences. Furthermore I can understand her motives behind telling me that by now, she'd already expected me to be involved in all sorts of things. So let me just say that I do understand her intentions are not malicious at all. Still, it hurts.

From the age of 13 until I was 20, I battled with myself in my mind trying to figure out who I was. I was what God would refer to as a wanderer. I didn't know who I was yet I was willing to look any and everywhere to find the answer. My mentality was badly crippled with the harmful words of others and I was becoming accepting of their perceptions of me. I became comfortable with being the quiet, shy one who didn't know how to have a good time. I was so concerned with what other people thought of me that that became the very thing my life was driven by. But now that I've found Jesus and realized that His opinion is the only one that matters, my level of stress has decreased while my genuine happiness and peace levels are at an all time high. For the first time since ever, I am satisfied with who I am, where I am and where I'm headed. God told me that I don't have to worry about anything and that message alone has provided me with an astounding amount of joy.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is: Where's the fire? Why the rush? It always rubbed me the wrong way when people take it upon themselves to rush others into maturity by suggesting to them who they should be. To me, that is completely insensitive...especially if the one telling you to change is doing nothing to bring change. People may be the same in most aspects of life, but the amount of time it takes people to reach the same level of agreement and understanding cannot be set to a timeline. For instance, me being brought up in a God-fearing family with numerous resources still couldn't keep me from wandering away from Christ and doing my own thing. It didn't keep me from hurting myself through various means and poisonous relationships. It couldn't keep me from my stint in the hospital, being put on medication and being subjected to monthly psychiatrist visits to keep my mental health in check. No. God allowed all of that to happen in my life so that I could understand my stubbornness and realize that the journey I was used to taking was a dead end. This holds true for anyone who has ever taken a breath.

Praise God that I am no longer who I was and that I'm following His light. I am confident in myself and in Him that everything from this point on is taken care of. So I say again: Where's the fire?  Oh, that's right! There isn't one! Being happy in who I am is so far, the biggest accomplishment of my life. Now that I've surrendered my all to the Lord and He knows that I am willing to work on myself for Him for the rest of my life, surely He will work with me on a schedule best suited to bring about more positive change. He is successful and good in working with prominent Bible figures, even Israel. Heck they all needed time to come to their own and accept God's grace. That my friend, is how I know I'm on the right track.

Song Of The Post: Tim Story - Hidden Country

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Abiding In Hope

Like many Christians just starting out (or even veteran believers), I had no idea how to continue about my journey with Christ. I was obviously overcome with joy, peace and a sense of confirmation but I didn't know where to go from there. I felt stuck. The more I told myself I was stuck, the more I believed it. I then began comparing myself to other believers and saying in my mind that they were better Christians and more liked and accepted by God than I. I knew I was letting the enemy back into God and I's territory of sacred, vulnerable honesties and I couldn't let that happen. I remember a quote I saw a while back and it read:

"Satan trembles when he sees the weakest believer on his knees."

I definitely did not want to return to my old life of self mental abuse and depression, so I began to pray. I asked God to be patient with me because I was new to this experience. I asked Him to slowly teach and reveal to me the things He wanted me to become aware of. And more importantly, I prayed that He would continue to encourage me so that I could, in turn, encourage myself to live under His shadow. I was slowly understanding that there is no timeline of which a believer should follow to ensure maximum salvation and get on God's best side. Furthermore, those who reach their lowest points have all experienced these lows from different paths and circumstances. I am no different, so being patient with someone who is sincerely seeking out His heart with all of my heart was something God Himself told me He is capable of handling. I then began reading and studying the bible in a way that I knew would be beneficial to me both now and in the future. My first topic of discussion was hope.

As I started diving into this topic, I learned three things: God is sovereign, God is just and God is omnipresent. And the book of the bible which better helped me understand these three points, is the book of Psalms.

**God Is Sovereign**

In Psalm 71, I was amazed at how much David relied on the Father for everything. He hoped in the Lord for refuge, strength, protection through trials and from the wicked and, of course, the source of his hope. In just the first three verses it's apparent that David is almost begging God to hear him, save him and protect him. Those verses alone show me the kind of relationship David had with God. He knew that because of his human nature that he had no hope. But in acknowledging God as the only One known for good, he begged for his mercy and to not be shamed in doing so. These three verses have always been difficult for me to get through because they struck such a chord within me. Before I knew Jesus, I was depressed. I felt alone and vulnerable and unsure of how to deal with my problems so I bottled them up. But in Psalm 71, before anything, David starts off by asking the Lord for protection! The fact that David's example showed me just what to do when I need help was both overwhelming and astounding to me. He then goes on to say that while his life has been an example to many (perhaps through both bad and good experiences) he will still praise and hope in the Lord anyway because from Him is where he gets his strength and protection. David's hope in God is the exact kind of hope I want to have in my Lord. I don't want to be that young woman anymore who sweeps her problems under the rug instead of vocalizing them to God. I'd rather fall to my knees and cry out to Him for protection so that I can regain strength and even more hope. God is sovereign because He is the only One who both understands and can help me with my problems. David's plea shows me that he trusted no one else but the Lord to give him hope and strength to overcome his flesh and those of the world. The Lord is the God of hope who freely gives to all who come to him with all of life's problems.

**God Is Just**

As I may have said before, the source of my depression and near self-hatred stemmed from others who said hurtful, negative things about me...even threatened me. Never knowing this kind of pain, I kept it all inside, tormenting myself with their remarks. As time progressed, I learned to live with what those individuals said about me, however, I couldn't shake my anger for them. Whenever I thought of them or someone brought them up, I'd get angry and say negative things about them to make myself feel better. Literally years had passed and I was still bitter towards those girls. I didn't allow God to have total control of that situation by giving Him the power to soften my heart and forgive them. Instead I shoved Him away and continued to carry the weight of my pain alone. It certainly didn't make the pain go away any faster. Psalm 37 speaks about how to deal with being wronged (or trespassed against) by others. In verse 8, God tells me:

"Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose

your temper - it only leads to harm."

Reading this, I realized that I was still bitter and angry about what happened to me all those years ago. As said before, talking about those girls certainly didn't make me feel any better about myself or the situation. Furthemore, the only one being "harmed" by the words I was speaking, was myself both mentally and physically. I felt this compelling need to share my anguish with others so much so that it became physically exhausting to repeat the same story to different people. But more serious was the mental damage my actions brought. Because I never freed myself of their words and actions, I constantly tormented myself with negative thoughts which in turn caused my mind to eventually collapse. I was admitted to a hospital where I was mentally evaluated for 4 days after showing signs of bipolar disorder. It is, to this very date, the most humiliating, humbling, and shameful experience I have ever gone through. Yet, I believe God was still with me. And in the days and months following that ordeal, it was revealed to me the amount of time I wasted giving my enemies access to my mind. I also began to understand that forgiveness was not only for their benefit, but for mine as well. I had to learn to how to let God do His job by acting on His own righteous vengeance and giving all of my burdens to Him while in turn being hopeful in the Lord and knowing my place.

**God Is Omnipresent**

In Psalm 139, David goes into further detail about God's character...His omnipresence. He speaks about God knowing all of me down to the very last detail and how it is impossible to escape Him. When I was younger and depressed, I believed I was alone so much so that I became comfortable with isolating myself from others. I didn't think anyone would understand my problems so locking my bedroom door behind me was where I felt at home. But reading the first verse really stuck out at me. It says:

                                    "O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything

about me."

Isn't is amazing that God cared to know all about who I was even when I couldn't be less interested in Him? What's even more ironic is that in me believing He wasn't the answer to my problems, it turns out that He was all I needed simply because He created me and knows me better than I know myself! Who better to turn to whenever I'm being misunderstood than the Creator who speaks my style of language in ways that will bring me the best understanding?! This verse alone gives me so much hope, peace and joy that I can't think about it without smiling a little. In verse 5, David continues with:

"You go before me and follow me. You

place your hand of blessing on my head."

So not only does God know me better than I do, but he travels before me and beside me. If that's not comforting then I'm afraid I don't know what comfort feels like. In other words, God has seen and knows all that will happen to me by going ahead of me, and when it gets to the point when I have to make certain decisions, He is more than willing to walk with me, giving me the holy advice that I need along the way.

What an amazing God I serve! His love and being is so astoundingly perfect that I will always be in awe and short of a complete understanding. His mystery keeps me intrigued and hopeful and I am blessed to know Him! How fortunate am I to know the One who isn't surprised by anything, who has an answer for it all and who is my refuge and rock? Isn't it great that I know a God who has my back no matter what and who reveals to me what I need to know no matter the circumstance? But more importantly, isn't it fantastic that my God knows my heart and every fiber of my being? Or that He walks ahead of me and is prepared with honest advice when it is time for Him to walk with me? Never have I heard or known of another who has this loving character. I read somewhere that having hope in the Lord is quite similar to having a "confident expectation." If that is the case, then I most certainly have a confident expectation in my Lord who's will is perfect and who's word is truth and active. 

I may not have years of following Christ under my belt, but I do know that this is the longest that I've ever continued a personal relationship with anyone! Furthermore, I understand God didn't bring me this far to abandon me now. There is surely a reason why I'm still loving Him the way I do and I only hope to grow more and more in His love each day. Now that I know a timeline to achieve maximum salvation doesn't exist, I am much more comfortable taking my time to process and understand God's word the way He wants me to. God has been so patient with me these past few months and I am so grateful that it makes me want to learn that much more. The Lord is my only hope and as long as He loves me is how long I will serve Him. In Jesus name, Amen.

Song Of The Post: Audrey Assad - Restless

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