Like many Christians just starting out (or even veteran believers), I had no idea how to continue about my journey with Christ. I was obviously overcome with joy, peace and a sense of confirmation but I didn't know where to go from there. I felt stuck. The more I told myself I was stuck, the more I believed it. I then began comparing myself to other believers and saying in my mind that they were better Christians and more liked and accepted by God than I. I knew I was letting the enemy back into God and I's territory of sacred, vulnerable honesties and I couldn't let that happen. I remember a quote I saw a while back and it read:
"Satan trembles when he sees the weakest believer on his knees."
I definitely did not want to return to my old life of self mental abuse and depression, so I began to pray. I asked God to be patient with me because I was new to this experience. I asked Him to slowly teach and reveal to me the things He wanted me to become aware of. And more importantly, I prayed that He would continue to encourage me so that I could, in turn, encourage myself to live under His shadow. I was slowly understanding that there is no timeline of which a believer should follow to ensure maximum salvation and get on God's best side. Furthermore, those who reach their lowest points have all experienced these lows from different paths and circumstances. I am no different, so being patient with someone who is sincerely seeking out His heart with all of my heart was something God Himself told me He is capable of handling. I then began reading and studying the bible in a way that I knew would be beneficial to me both now and in the future. My first topic of discussion was hope.
As I started diving into this topic, I learned three things: God is sovereign, God is just and God is omnipresent. And the book of the bible which better helped me understand these three points, is the book of Psalms.
**God Is Sovereign**
In Psalm 71, I was amazed at how much David relied on the Father for everything. He hoped in the Lord for refuge, strength, protection through trials and from the wicked and, of course, the source of his hope. In just the first three verses it's apparent that David is almost begging God to hear him, save him and protect him. Those verses alone show me the kind of relationship David had with God. He knew that because of his human nature that he had no hope. But in acknowledging God as the only One known for good, he begged for his mercy and to not be shamed in doing so. These three verses have always been difficult for me to get through because they struck such a chord within me. Before I knew Jesus, I was depressed. I felt alone and vulnerable and unsure of how to deal with my problems so I bottled them up. But in Psalm 71, before anything, David starts off by asking the Lord for protection! The fact that David's example showed me just what to do when I need help was both overwhelming and astounding to me. He then goes on to say that while his life has been an example to many (perhaps through both bad and good experiences) he will still praise and hope in the Lord anyway because from Him is where he gets his strength and protection. David's hope in God is the exact kind of hope I want to have in my Lord. I don't want to be that young woman anymore who sweeps her problems under the rug instead of vocalizing them to God. I'd rather fall to my knees and cry out to Him for protection so that I can regain strength and even more hope. God is sovereign because He is the only One who both understands and can help me with my problems. David's plea shows me that he trusted no one else but the Lord to give him hope and strength to overcome his flesh and those of the world. The Lord is the God of hope who freely gives to all who come to him with all of life's problems.
**God Is Just**
As I may have said before, the source of my depression and near self-hatred stemmed from others who said hurtful, negative things about me...even threatened me. Never knowing this kind of pain, I kept it all inside, tormenting myself with their remarks. As time progressed, I learned to live with what those individuals said about me, however, I couldn't shake my anger for them. Whenever I thought of them or someone brought them up, I'd get angry and say negative things about them to make myself feel better. Literally years had passed and I was still bitter towards those girls. I didn't allow God to have total control of that situation by giving Him the power to soften my heart and forgive them. Instead I shoved Him away and continued to carry the weight of my pain alone. It certainly didn't make the pain go away any faster. Psalm 37 speaks about how to deal with being wronged (or trespassed against) by others. In verse 8, God tells me:
"Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose
your temper - it only leads to harm."
Reading this, I realized that I was still bitter and angry about what happened to me all those years ago. As said before, talking about those girls certainly didn't make me feel any better about myself or the situation. Furthemore, the only one being "harmed" by the words I was speaking, was myself both mentally and physically. I felt this compelling need to share my anguish with others so much so that it became physically exhausting to repeat the same story to different people. But more serious was the mental damage my actions brought. Because I never freed myself of their words and actions, I constantly tormented myself with negative thoughts which in turn caused my mind to eventually collapse. I was admitted to a hospital where I was mentally evaluated for 4 days after showing signs of bipolar disorder. It is, to this very date, the most humiliating, humbling, and shameful experience I have ever gone through. Yet, I believe God was still with me. And in the days and months following that ordeal, it was revealed to me the amount of time I wasted giving my enemies access to my mind. I also began to understand that forgiveness was not only for their benefit, but for mine as well. I had to learn to how to let God do His job by acting on His own righteous vengeance and giving all of my burdens to Him while in turn being hopeful in the Lord and knowing my place.
In Psalm 139, David goes into further detail about God's character...His omnipresence. He speaks about God knowing all of me down to the very last detail and how it is impossible to escape Him. When I was younger and depressed, I believed I was alone so much so that I became comfortable with isolating myself from others. I didn't think anyone would understand my problems so locking my bedroom door behind me was where I felt at home. But reading the first verse really stuck out at me. It says:
"O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything
about me."
Isn't is amazing that God cared to know all about who I was even when I couldn't be less interested in Him? What's even more ironic is that in me believing He wasn't the answer to my problems, it turns out that He was all I needed simply because He created me and knows me better than I know myself! Who better to turn to whenever I'm being misunderstood than the Creator who speaks my style of language in ways that will bring me the best understanding?! This verse alone gives me so much hope, peace and joy that I can't think about it without smiling a little. In verse 5, David continues with:
"You go before me and follow me. You
place your hand of blessing on my head."
So not only does God know me better than I do, but he travels before me and beside me. If that's not comforting then I'm afraid I don't know what comfort feels like. In other words, God has seen and knows all that will happen to me by going ahead of me, and when it gets to the point when I have to make certain decisions, He is more than willing to walk with me, giving me the holy advice that I need along the way.
What an amazing God I serve! His love and being is so astoundingly perfect that I will always be in awe and short of a complete understanding. His mystery keeps me intrigued and hopeful and I am blessed to know Him! How fortunate am I to know the One who isn't surprised by anything, who has an answer for it all and who is my refuge and rock? Isn't it great that I know a God who has my back no matter what and who reveals to me what I need to know no matter the circumstance? But more importantly, isn't it fantastic that my God knows my heart and every fiber of my being? Or that He walks ahead of me and is prepared with honest advice when it is time for Him to walk with me? Never have I heard or known of another who has this loving character. I read somewhere that having hope in the Lord is quite similar to having a "confident expectation." If that is the case, then I most certainly have a confident expectation in my Lord who's will is perfect and who's word is truth and active.
I may not have years of following Christ under my belt, but I do know that this is the longest that I've ever continued a personal relationship with anyone! Furthermore, I understand God didn't bring me this far to abandon me now. There is surely a reason why I'm still loving Him the way I do and I only hope to grow more and more in His love each day. Now that I know a timeline to achieve maximum salvation doesn't exist, I am much more comfortable taking my time to process and understand God's word the way He wants me to. God has been so patient with me these past few months and I am so grateful that it makes me want to learn that much more. The Lord is my only hope and as long as He loves me is how long I will serve Him. In Jesus name, Amen.
Song Of The Post: Audrey Assad - Restless
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