Where's The Fire?

There comes a time in everybody's life when we reach an age where it's OK to be young but not OK to act youthful...at least all the time. To you, it may seem like being a young adult is all the justification needed to live life on the edge but to those who have been around the block a few times, it's usually looked upon as immaturity.

I have always been known as the jokester. I am quick to make people smile or laugh and I love the feeling of making people's day just a little easier to get through. This trait of mine is one that has been with me for as long as I can remember. Even now at 22, I still joke around as if I'm still in high school. Now I'm learning that there is a time and place for everything and that not all situations need to be made out to seem humorous. It's good to have this trait, though. It never hurts to know someone who is a constant optimist and can find humor in almost any situation. I know this and my friends and family know this. But sometimes, especially when it comes to my mother, I feel as though my joking personality isn't well received or always understood. Ironically, I inherited much of my sense of humor from my mother so her inability to look at mine as some sort of outlet really baffles me. I can remember her telling me to grow up, to act my age and to be serious. Whenever I'd hear her make these remarks I'd die a little on the inside. To me, I interpreted that message as 'be other than who you are!' As a fragile, sensitive person, these remarks were daggers to my already broken spirit.

As I have consistently pointed out in previous posts, I lacked self-esteem, was bullied, suffered from mental setbacks and was struggling to fit in anywhere I could. It was hard enough being mistreated by my peers and even my younger sister, but to feel as though my personality was disliked by my own mother really cut me deeply. That was a few years back. Obviously now I've managed to take back my mind, purpose and confidence all through God's grace and I haven't felt more useful and at peace than I do now. I pray all the time for God to strengthen me in all areas of physical and spiritual life and it is apparent that I am making progress. But even to this day, from time to time, my mother still tells me that I need to grow up and that by now I should have more friends, a boyfriend and should be a part of a sorority. My spiritual growth is happening everyday, but the pain and defensiveness still comes out from time to time whenever these circumstances arise.

I remember my Nana telling me stories of what my mom was like growing up. Like me, she was a quiet, reserved and smart girl who got picked on at school, too. Perhaps she dealt with these events the same way I did by internalizing what they said and accepting the idea that what those girls said about her was true. Now my mother never ended up in the hospital for bottling up her emotions like I did, but I can still see traces of the effects it had on her life. For instance, I can't remember the last time my mom had a consistent friend to hang out with. I never grew up seeing her and a close girlfriend sitting in the living room talking in to the early hours of the morning and I never saw her go on girls night outings. Thinking about it now, I do feel bad because we share similar experiences. Furthermore I can understand her motives behind telling me that by now, she'd already expected me to be involved in all sorts of things. So let me just say that I do understand her intentions are not malicious at all. Still, it hurts.

From the age of 13 until I was 20, I battled with myself in my mind trying to figure out who I was. I was what God would refer to as a wanderer. I didn't know who I was yet I was willing to look any and everywhere to find the answer. My mentality was badly crippled with the harmful words of others and I was becoming accepting of their perceptions of me. I became comfortable with being the quiet, shy one who didn't know how to have a good time. I was so concerned with what other people thought of me that that became the very thing my life was driven by. But now that I've found Jesus and realized that His opinion is the only one that matters, my level of stress has decreased while my genuine happiness and peace levels are at an all time high. For the first time since ever, I am satisfied with who I am, where I am and where I'm headed. God told me that I don't have to worry about anything and that message alone has provided me with an astounding amount of joy.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is: Where's the fire? Why the rush? It always rubbed me the wrong way when people take it upon themselves to rush others into maturity by suggesting to them who they should be. To me, that is completely insensitive...especially if the one telling you to change is doing nothing to bring change. People may be the same in most aspects of life, but the amount of time it takes people to reach the same level of agreement and understanding cannot be set to a timeline. For instance, me being brought up in a God-fearing family with numerous resources still couldn't keep me from wandering away from Christ and doing my own thing. It didn't keep me from hurting myself through various means and poisonous relationships. It couldn't keep me from my stint in the hospital, being put on medication and being subjected to monthly psychiatrist visits to keep my mental health in check. No. God allowed all of that to happen in my life so that I could understand my stubbornness and realize that the journey I was used to taking was a dead end. This holds true for anyone who has ever taken a breath.

Praise God that I am no longer who I was and that I'm following His light. I am confident in myself and in Him that everything from this point on is taken care of. So I say again: Where's the fire?  Oh, that's right! There isn't one! Being happy in who I am is so far, the biggest accomplishment of my life. Now that I've surrendered my all to the Lord and He knows that I am willing to work on myself for Him for the rest of my life, surely He will work with me on a schedule best suited to bring about more positive change. He is successful and good in working with prominent Bible figures, even Israel. Heck they all needed time to come to their own and accept God's grace. That my friend, is how I know I'm on the right track.

Song Of The Post: Tim Story - Hidden Country

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