I always believed that laziness was the cause of my downfall to my failed attempts at staying in a close relationship with God. There were times when I'd wake up one morning and not feel so on fire or as close to Jesus as I had been days before. I looked at it as Jesus no longer seeing anything in me. Furthermore, I'd give up and abandon my relationship with Him and continue to pursue the life I thought I'd left behind. This time around, I haven't given my feelings the power to determine the course of my relationship with God. Ironically, however, it is busyness, not laziness, that is driving a wedge between God and myself.
With the holidays still in full swing, my job as a sales associate at an over-priced home furnishings store has totally consumed my energy. Not only am I having trouble remembering what day it is, but I'm not spending a lot of time with my family or God. I was frustrated because I knew I was too young to be working so hard that I didn't have time for anything. I was becoming more irritable and started putting my time alone with Jesus aside. The first time I did this, I didn't feel guilty because I knew God would understand my busyness and me being so tired. Little did I know that this would become a habit...but only for a very short period of time. The more I put off spending time with God, the more distance I felt between Him and me. It was a really dark period in my spiritual life because I loved being on fire for God and the joy it brought me and I no longer wanted to live life without that feeling. Now, I'm not going to lie, but I did think for a while that my relationship with Jesus was pointless because I believed that I didn't have it in me to make Him proud of me. Thanking God in the morning, reading my devotional, bible studies and prayer just didn't feel the same and I got discouraged. Thank God for pastor Rick Warren!
I've started reading The Purpose Driven Life a few weeks ago and one chapter that really got my attention was the one titled 'When God Seems Distant.' In it, I learned that God designates times in our spiritual lives to draw back and test our faith. I tell you, the instant I read and understood that statement, I was humbled and honored that God knew my strength to be strong enough to test. I also learned that God's omnipresence and the manifestation of His presence are two things. One is fact while the other is based off of emotion. Furthermore, God distances himself to test our faith in Him and His truth. In doing this, I can evaluate my feelings and not let them determine the course of God and I's relationship. I feel silly that I misinterpreted His distance in my first few attempts at changing my life. Therefore I'm much more confident that because this attempt will be one worth constantly improving.
After reading that chapter several times, I then moved on to the busyness plaguing my young life. I knew being too busy to include God in my life was a bad thing so I did some research on it. In doing so, I learned that if Satan can't get us to sway back into our old habits that Jesus delivered us from, then he'll try to distract us from God by keeping us occupied with work and other obligations. Well, thank God for simple revelation! I may have fallen for the devil's trick this time, but I'm glad I caught it! After these discoveries, I feel much closer to God and my faith has increased. It was definitely worth all of the doubt I had (which I'm still working on) and I have a lot of confidence in what God has in store for me and how He wants me to handle different situations.
As this year comes to a close, I am amazed at who God is and how He works. The beginning of 2011 wasn't my best and I was still very much lost and depressed. But what a difference a conclusion makes! Not only have I given my life to Jesus, but I'm mentally stable and medication-free for almost a year and a dean's list student with a 4.0 GPA with a brand new, optimistic outlook on life. I am extremely blessed to be His child and super excited for 2012. Thank God for new beginnings! Happy New Year!!!
Song Of The Post: CeCe Winans - The Wind (Tears For You)
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