Tug-of-War

I've definitely fallen off since I last posted. In a way I feel like so much has happened when it really hasn't. I am not the same person I was when I began this blog and to me that's a harder pill to swallow. Some time ago I convinced myself that I spent too much time trying to be perfect for God. Every time I tried to do the right thing, the wrong thought or action would follow close behind. The more I tried to be perfect for him in such a short amount of time, the more I became lazy and resented the process. After coming to that conclusion, I was convinced that my traits of awful road rage, my constant crave for a drink and impatience with prayer was who I really was. I was tired of trying to help myself so I instead chose to remain stagnant and settle.

But ever since I made that choice my life has changed drastically...and not for the better. I'm always finding myself wishing I could go back and at least be happy. I was really happy when I was walking with God, but now, I'm not sure what I am. Anyway, because I think so much of how great my life was when I knew Christ, I thought I'd make a small list of the things I loved about my relationship with God:

1. Always waking up happy and grateful.

2. My constant attempts to see Jesus in everybody that I came across.

3. My ability to control my thoughts and words.

4. My desire to give to God.

5. Always having someone to talk with.

6. Reading and learning from the Bible.

7. Looking forward to church.

8. My iPod/ car stereo blasting my favorite Christian artists.

9. Knowing that my life is not my own.

10. God's grace and patience with me.

11. Wanting to know more of God all the time.

12. Having a positive outlook on life.

13. Having an appealing attitude.

14. God's gift of perseverance to me (which helped my snag a 3.4 GPA in my first year at UNT)

15. Never wanting to worry about the future.

16. Learning to love myself.

17. Learning the difference between God's voice & Satan's

18. Being certain of my life after death.

19. Being fearless.

20. Being genuinely happy.

I'm sure there's more to add to the list but my life was obviously what and where it needed to be when I walked with Jesus. I think about that life all the time and wish daily to get back. I am absolutely positive that when I was with Christ, that it was real. Just like any relationship, when you're away from someone for a period of time and all you can think of is how happy you were with them, to me that means some type of impact was there. Even though I don't live the way I should, I can still hear constantly, yet faintly His Holy Spirit. Sometimes I wish I couldn't hear Him and that He would leave me alone, but I honestly don't know what I'd do without His spirit. I know I want God back and He knows I do.

With that being said, thank you Lord for not leaving me behind. Your patience with me confuses me so much that I can't stand it. But I think you know how much I love and miss you. Please help me to walk back to you and to fight the urges to do the opposite of what you want for me.

[K]

Song of the Post: Matt Hammit - Let Go

True Colors

Yesterday I broke down on my way home. It was dark outside and for some reason when there's nothing but a full moon and the Texas stars shining down in my car, I feel closer to God. The light was almost blinding and I was feeling as though God was guiding me down the dark country road. Clearly the infatuation stage has subsided and now I'm getting into the inner workings of the change process that many Christians go through. For a while I slowly quit trying. But I still decided to pray.

I asked God to help me because I'd exhausted myself completely out of wanting to live for Him. When I decided to follow Christ last year, I understood the basics and I knew that Jesus is merciful and kind and blah blah blah. But somewhere in the mix I started unfairly challenging myself and setting my expectations higher than the ones God had for me. I'd make up ridiculous goals of going a day without judging someone, or thinking bad thoughts or complaining. You can imagine that I failed all the time. Pretty soon I allowed my old, destructive way of thinking to creep back into my brain. I started believing that perhaps this Christian thing wasn't for me because God was making His standards too high and that I'm too weak. Once that thinking made its way back into my life, it became harder to accept anything positive. I didn't mean to blame God; I even realize that none of what I was going through was His fault. It just sounded good at the time because it matched my miserable feelings.

Still, even though I was gradually slipping away from my relationship with Jesus, I was never able to transition completely back to my old lifestyle. I may have said a few bad words or had two glasses of wine too many, but something instilled within me wouldn't allow me to go back. I told God that being with Him must be where I belong. I know this because in all of my past attempts to get my life right, I failed and ultimately had no problem with going back to my old ways. This time, it's different. I know so because last October I chose to see for myself what all the Jesus fuss was about.

I thank God for this test. I know I failed (and that's OK), but I still learned. I learned that God doesn't give us what we He know's we can't handle. I'm also aware of the human nature that I will trust Jesus to help me change. These past weeks I've noticed how impatient, judgmental, susceptible to negative change I am. I can be short, inconsiderate and unstable with my emotions. I have A LOT of issues. This is great! Now I don't have to pretend that following Christ is easy. Now it'll be much easier to understand why I instinctively try to find other ways around doing what God wants. Perhaps I'll be even more patient with understanding the Bible. I mean let's be honest, the Bible is hard to understand. Even with all of the versions available today, I still have to close it, walk away and then come back.

I'm not perfect. I don't completely understand that just yet, but I'm getting there. Another thing I'm not, is a failure.

Song of The Post: Shawn McDonald - Ramblings of A Beggar

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encouragement.

Around Valentine's Day my relationship with God was tested. A guy from my journalism class became the center of my focus and the first time we spent time alone together, it lasted for eight hours. The more I spent time with him, the further I pushed myself away from what God was trying to do in my life. Although he is considerate and knows how to make me laugh, there were definitely more cons than pros. I like that he's a hard worker and  a guy's guy, but I disliked his drug use, constant, unnecessary swearing, drinking and his stance on Jesus. Now the drinking and the drugs weren't a problem because I felt those could be changed. However his strong opinions against God were something I could not shake. Even after weeks of spending time with him, the Holy Spirit quietly and gradually revealed to me that this potential union would be a disaster. But I didn't listen to it.

I won't blame my failed test completely on him, but he did play a role. To make a long story short, I've been humbled through this ordeal and I'm working hard to keep a strong mind to stay away from these types of situations. 

I thought I could handle his atheism (although he never actually came out and told me he was an atheist) but it was surprisingly the one thing I had the most trouble trying to get over. I didn't even know that being with someone in love with God was that big of a deal for me. Needless to say, more time spent with him meant less time spent with God and His word. It's been a little while since we've gone out together. I've finally come to and realized for myself that trying to make this work wouldn't be worth it. I've apologized to God and I'm working on getting back in to our relationship. It most certainly has not been easy. It almost seems harder than before and sometimes discouragement takes over.

Well, one day at work I spent a while helping a woman with a thick Hispanic accent. She was so nice and really cute and just gave me enough energy to push on through my shift. As I'm checking her out at the register, we get on the topic of books and I tell her that reading has always been a familiar pastime of mine. She then suggests the Christian book store not too far from where I work and I instantly know what she's talking about. 

"LifeWay?," I said.

I then start telling her that I enjoy reading books by Joyce Meyer and Rick Warren. And then she smiles and through her thick accent, says to me the most encouraging, reassuring thing anyone has ever said to me:

"I know. I can tell you belong to Him."

I've never heard anything like that said before so imagine how I felt when, for the first time hearing it, it was being said to me! I guess I've always thought of myself as someone who's tolerable and pleasant to be around but it never occurred to me that my attitude or mannerisms could be an obvious result of what God has already done for me. I was at a loss for words and the only thing I could say back to her was thank you. I'll never forget Ms. Dora or what she said to me that day. Over the next few shifts, I made contact with other believers who also served as heaps of encouragement. I can't explain the warmth and sense of security I felt just being in the presence of believers who were willing to talk about Jesus so openly. All I knew was that I didn't want it to end.

I believe it was during those times that Jesus knew I needed to be reminded of his kindness. The unexpected words of encouragement from Ms. Dora and Ms. Arline were very much appreciated and I think it was Jesus's way of telling me that He still loved me and that I was still a part of His family. Whether or not those women realize it, they blessed me that day in more ways than they'll probably ever know. Then I realized that that's what a Christian is. That's what it means to be a believer. To bless others. They came at the right time, too. I was in a murky place where I was so confused about everything. God told me all along that I should follow Him. And I knew He was right because I honestly don't know what I want for myself. But it was those ladies that reinforced to me the benefit of letting God take control in my life.

Thank God for people like those women.

Song Of the Post: Evan Wickham - For So Long

[K]

Lone Donkey

During the week I take the same route to school. This journey includes me driving through farms and ranches on back country roads; seeing the sunrise each morning on my way to school while driving through the scenery is so relaxing.

One ranch that I drive by, I always take a peek at the horses eating their breakfast. But it isn't the horses that always catch my attention. Instead, underneath and between the legs of the stallions towering over their feeding bowls is a small donkey. Passing by that donkey each morning, I developed a small connection with him. He never really ate with the other horses and was almost always alone. He spent a lot of his time looking at the ground and seemed as if someone killed his best friend. I've always wondered why the other animals didn't want to be around him, but then I thought that I may be reading in to the situation a little too closely.

Then I began to think about when Jesus came in to Jerusalem on a donkey. I started thinking about how different the donkey is in comparison with Jesus. I couldn't believe that the people of Jerusalem allowed someone as influential and honorable as Jesus to ride in a city on an animal that's always alone and sad. I mean, Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh is the most pessimistic cartoon character I can think of. Surely someone like him is no match for the Son of God. Then I realized that Jesus was never in to outward appearances and what other people thought. Instead he was more interested in the matters of the heart. The fact that the people of Jerusalem obeyed Him, arranged the entrance and laid palm trees on the ground for Jesus to walk on probably meant much more to Jesus than arriving on a white stallion that would've only been used for show.

Now whenever I drive by that ranch, I think about Jesus's humility and his ability to overlook being flashy for the sake of what God wanted. It's funny how I got all of that out of a 25 minute commute to my university, but I feel that this was just one of those instances where God speaks to people through various means.

Song of the Post: Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing

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Humility (Pt. 2)

The second definition that was revealed to me, and one that quickly left an impression, has to do with vulnerable humility. My entire life I've been the friend that made others laugh. This was where I felt most comfortable around people and with myself; to this day I still accept this part of my personality as real. But let's be honest, I don't wake up every morning ready to crack a joke. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed because I still deal with my mental demons. Other days I'm irritated or hurt. Feeling like this definitely makes it harder to get through the day. Furthermore, for anyone who knows me well, it's very easy to determine whether or not I'm in a good mood. Determining when I'm sad is easy. Getting me to talk about my feelings is the hard part.

I don't like when people worry about me. I don't like crying in front of people and I don't like talking about anything that could bring up painful memories. I have so much pride in the area of coming off as a strong person that the last thing I'd want is for anyone to feel sorry for me. I used to wonder why most of my friends would come to me for a laugh but not for an amateur counseling session. Now I know that it's because I don't show that side of myself. A few weeks ago, my mom told me of a really rough time she had during her childhood and it shook me to my core. My heart was hurting for her but my mind wouldn't allow my internal feelings to show on the outside. I felt like an idiot just sitting there stone-faced while her voice is cracking just trying to get through the story. I remember being ashamed of myself because I didn't have any clue as to how I could shake this pride.

A few days later I learned that a part of being humble is being vulnerable and honest. People need each other during the fun, silly times and the sad, crying times. Let's face it, life isn't always one big joke and bad things DO happen! In The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren talked about this very issue. He said something like,

'If people really could handle things on their own, then the problem would've been solved by now.' 

This statement automatically threw me back to January 2010 when the foundations of my life were shaken. I was still the jokester, but I also had my own issues. I had so many problems that I eventually became too ashamed to think about them amongst myself. The interior of my life was a dramatic difference than what people could see on the outside. And for the last 8 years of my life, what I worked so hard to hide was suddenly revealed for all to see in less than one day. Even after my hospital stay I was too embarrassed to see my friends because they had seen the years of pain that I didn't want anyone to ever know about.

After this happened I remember questioning God's plan because I felt that I didn't deserve to go through that experience. But after two years and a lot of thinking, I realize that it was all for good. This experience taught me that it's OK to have feelings. I'm learning that cheesy wedding vows and Touched By An Angel episodes make me tear up. But more importantly, there is more to being a friend than having the ability to make people laugh. People need one another to vent to and to cry with; I'll be the first to admit that this lesson is one that will take a lifetime to learn.

Song Of the Post: Stacie Orrico - Dear Friend

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Humilty

A lot of people, including myself, can have a misunderstanding about the true definition of humility. I always thought being humble meant thinking less of yourself in the name of love or not letting success get to your head. I hear all the time about how humility is such a great characteristic to have because many people won't admit their weaknesses. This can be an easy trap to fall in, especially for a new Christian like myself. All jokes aside, my relationship with Christ has been the longest relationship I have ever been in mainly because I actually have a desire to keep going. Giving Him my heart and seeking His face through the Word and prayer gave me a sense of self-confidence and happiness because I felt my life was finally getting on the right track. I thought, 'Now I'm ready to go out in to the world, let my light shine and bring people to Jesus Christ.' Having these thoughts is a good thing and is even something Paul encouraged. But the deceitful trap I fell in was a trap that I hadn't noticed until I was too far in. Whenever I would be around people unaware of God's love I would treat them with love in my mind, but in my heart I was condemning and judging them because they couldn't see the amount of damage they were doing to their eternal salvation. For a while this became a habit. Deep down I knew something was wrong about my behavior but I couldn't quite put my finger on the sin I was committing. There's a particular verse that stood out to me once I started searching for answers. In Jeremiah 17:9 it says,

  "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?"

This caught my attention because no matter how much I think I know about Christ to go out and try to save or influence others, my own heart is something that I don't even know. Furthermore I went out and mentally judged everyone who used swear words, drank too much or had a bad temper.I was so bent on being an influence that I completely forgot (or failed to) humble myself. It's crazy how someone can be so preoccupied with doing the right thing the right way that we lose total focus and our intentions are not of God's. This was an incredibly humbling experience for me. It was silly of me to think that after 3 months of reading the Bible each day, praying and being joyful that I was suddenly the poster child for Christianity. God certainly had to give me a friendly reminder. So after learning that I couldn't possibly know all the depths of my heart, I came across another scripture that is very important for me to remember. In Romans 12:3 Paul writes,

"Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don't think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluations of yourselves, measuring yourself by the faith God has given us."

First, I love how Paul says this is a privilege to have anything from God, especially something like His authority. Secondly, this is something he warns people like me about. Somewhere in the mix I forgot that I too smoked, drank, had a terrible attitude and a potty mouth (among other things). Reading this reminded me that all I have and know is because of God's grace. And if He gives me the integrity to honestly evaluate who I am, then I should use this privilege the way I know He wants me to. Last Sunday my Pastor said he thought it was funny how those who have been saved by Jesus love to give testimonies about who they used to be and what they used to do before being saved all while forgetting to mention the part where Jesus is still saving and changing them. In other words, just because you've been awakened to the calling of the Holy Spirit does not mean that that is all there is to it. Following Jesus is a growth kind of process and a great learning experience where there is always room for change and improvement and takes a lifetime to achieve. Now that God has shown me how I wrong I am, I have started taking smaller steps in how I look at myself and others. Furthermore in this journey of becoming more humble, I am realizing that this is only the beginning.

Song of the Post: Deluge - Let's Worship

(This post is only one half of the definition of humility that has been made known to me by God. My next entry will deal with the second half.)

[K]

My Responsibilty

Growing up as the daughter of a pastor, I became acquainted with the church routine. Sundays were always about getting to church early, staying late after, eating Sunday dinner, napping and then going right back for the evening service. As a young girl I don't think I had a problem with going to church; I even viewed it as something positive. But around the time I was about 12 or 13 years old, I began drifting away from what I had known my whole life and started taking in other people's opinion about the church and God. Like most kids in my position, I started to see church differently and would often criticize God  because of the less than Christian behavior I witnessed by some of the folks that were apart of the congregation. After I moved back to the states and became permanently enrolled in public school, I instantly recognized the lack of order in a lot of the kids I encountered. Looking back now, I couldn't have been in a more dangerous place at such a young age. By the time I got to college, I had completely dismissed God altogether and in my ignorance, came up with a baseless fact that the church was a fraud because the people claiming to be the church were also frauds. I know now that hanging around people who didn't obey God yet had their own ideas about who He was, flipped the good-girl switch in me. Even the bible says bad company corrupts good judgement. Anyway, for most of my college career my mom would hound me with the same question every week, "Did you go to church?" Of course she knew I hadn't and she'd make it known to me how disappointed she was. I would often get offended that she would ask me such a question having full knowledge already that I didn't want to follow in their footsteps.

Fast forward to present day, I am able to see so many signs of insecurities within myself that allowed me to stay in Satan's grip for so long. I realize now that the reason I became so defensive towards my mother about not attending church was because I knew I needed to be there and I knew God wanted me to be there. Furthermore, like a lot of unbelievers whose way of living comes into question, I saw this as a personal attack on who I believed myself to be and I pushed myself further from God. Now that I think about it, it wasn't my parents or any questionable Christians that finally deterred me from Jesus, it was myself! I could have chosen to be open-minded about Jesus' transforming processes on many people's lives. I could have chosen to explore God myself. I could have chosen to look to Jesus for guidance and not the "saints." But I didn't and in my stubbornness, I felt I was in the right for not choosing to do any of those things because I blamed the churchgoers and God for my problems. But back to 2012...

Now whenever I'm at church and I'm singing to God and reaffirming my relationship with Him, it is also the congregation that makes my soul happy. It was and still is such an amazing feeling to be around people who truly love Jesus and are making an effort to stay on course with His teachings. It's at these services that I realize the importance of the church not just in the world, but in the life of a believer as well. I'm shocked at how much time I wasted hiding from God and blaming my lack of spirituality on the church. Now I know that it isn't in my best interest to view God's people (no matter how righteous) as a playbook of how to live the way Jesus wants me to. That's not to say that I can't trust them or even learn from their actions, but what I am saying  is that the mistake of man is not the mistake of God. God makes no mistakes. And if a believer does fall short, whether they be a bishop or a janitor, it is because they have temporarily disconnected themselves from the counsel of Jesus. In other words, the lady who shouted profanity at a crowd of students at my private Christian school didn't do so because God had left her or because He isn't real, but because she had a moment of weakness. Furthermore, the weight of the world and all of its problems cannot be directly traced to God's absence or His "weakness" in not avenging the righteous or innocent, but can only be linked to our weaknesses and our apparent need for dependence on Him that many in this world have not yet come to realize. Besides, I believe that it takes a God like mine, although omnipresent and omnipotent and omniscient, to practice His own teachings by staying honest and faithful in His own promises by granting patience to all people in the hopes that they will turn to Him also.That's the kind of God I admire!

Song Of the Post: Holly Starr - Take Me As I Am

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