Nobody Wins

The Trayvon Martin murder case of 2012 brought to the forefront a conversation that many Americans grew fond of ignoring.

If you aren't aware (which you at least should be), Martin was a black, Florida teen who was gunned down by neighborhood watchman, George Zimmerman, after he suspected the the youngster of being an intruder near a gated apartment complex. Zimmerman called the cops who then instructed that he not follow Martin around the residence. George obviously ignored him. Minutes later, a scuffle ensued and Martin was dead.

A year later, the case is finally going to trial and you better believe that the country, for whatever reason, is divided over this one. Some would say that Martin shouldn't have ran from Zimmerman, that he was already a certified thug who often skipped class and smoked weed. They would say Zimmerman acted like that of a concerned watchman patrolling a neighborhood after a string of robberies orchestrated by black, male criminals. Others would say that George deliberately disobeyed the police dispatcher and acted outside of the authoritative boundaries given to neighborhood watchmen. Whether you stand on Martin or Zimmerman's side is irrelevant to the heart of the situation. Regardless of if Martin was already a thug or not or whether Zimmerman acted appropriately, is beside the point.

I'm sure we all know that some of the harshest, irrational critics like to surface on discussion boards all over the internet. These people, with their cheesy, over-thought usernames, pull every offensive scenario out of their asses over this case which ultimately returns to the real root of this situation: race.

On the second day of the trial, Rachel Jeantel, the 19-year-old who spoke to Martin in the moments leading up to his death, stated that Martin called Zimmerman a "creepy ass cracker."

Now hold up!

I immediately scroll down to the comments sections, which is a surefire way to get my blood pressure to skyrocket, and found exactly what I was looking for. One user commented, "Creepy ass cracker," hm? Looks like St. Skittles was a touch racist, no? Another user came to Martins's defense saying "cracker" is not a racist term. Then, another user (white, obviously) said, "cracker isn't a racist term" but in a sarcastic way. You know, in the time that I've been aware of this country we call America, I have never seen one ethnic group be so confused in their own country. White people love to tan, have fuller lips, plumper butts, enjoy twerking and wear jewelry common in the black community (ex: gold hoops with your name in the middle, grills) because they think it's cute or trendy. Nothing more, nothing less. But, when the time comes to combat discrimination or racism of any kind, that't when they retreat back to their outward appearances to help them get by.

 So what exactly am I getting at? Basically, I'm tired of white people wanting to hop on the African-American gravy train when they want and then jump ship when the seas get rough. I feel like even with all of the progress that's been made, white people always try to one up minorities. For example, Trayvon Martin calling Zimmerman a "creepy ass cracker" and every other white person screaming racism. How is cracker racist? That's like someone calling me ugly or a bitch. Those words can only undermine someone's outward appearance or attitude. Those type of insults don't insult people's intelligence, potential or family all in the same breath. Sort of like the word "cracker." That word means nothing more than the color of someone's skin. Nigger, on the other hand, virtually dismisses every fiber of who I am as woman AND a black woman.

So to be fair, if people are really going to be outraged over Martin calling Zimmerman a cracker, let's not be so quick to forget Zimmerman's initial racial profiling when he noticed a certain black teen wearing a hooded sweatshirt. Among the other prejudiced and discriminatory things Zimmerman was recorded saying on the 911 call about how black people "always get away." Regardless of if Trayvon was a thug, skipped school and was minutes away from being revealed as the Antichrist," it was this trigger-happy neighborhood "cop" that started all of this and brought race into the issue!

Confidence is Key

I recently started a new job at Starbucks...it is definitely more than I expected. Despite all of the warnings from my barista friends, I decided to take on the challenge. I think of myself as a relatively fast learner so I wasn't too stressed out. All of that changed my first week of training. The first day went great! I was happy to have a new, exciting job and even more anxious since I haven't worked in the food industry since I was in high school. The second day, however, was a whole different ball game. I don't drink coffee, much less visit Starbucks often so you can imagine how hard it was for me to learn the different cup sizes, coffee types and recipes. Every time I was put on the spot to name a drink, make a drink or describe a coffee, I choked and the frustration was written all over my face. I apologized to my trainer for my poor attitude and vowed to not let my ignorance get the best of me. By the third day, I was confident again. I made nearly-perfect lattes and cappuccinos and things started to look brighter. But by the fourth day, my confidence crashed once again and I started to doubt that I would ever remember how to do anything. Again, the frustration showed. By shifts end, I was glad to take off my apron and head back to my apartment. As I was driving 30 minutes back home, I started to realize something: I have ZERO confidence...about anything!

 It hit me like a ton of bricks. Whether it be at school, work or life in general, I somehow seem to have an uncertain outlook about everything, and it didn't help that I always let it get the best of me. At my other job, my supervisor always tells me to quit beating myself up and to build more confidence in myself. But in true prodigal angel fashion, I took it as a personal attack, often venting to my mom or anyone else who would listen. Needless to say, my supervisor was absolutely right. I need to believe in myself more. Whenever I make a mistake, take criticism or wear t-shirts in public, not a trace of confidence can be found. I'm 24-years old and I feel as if I should've learned this lesson already, so you can imagine how humbling, yet devastating it was to have this epiphany. I guess the old saying, "confidence is key" is not a cliche. It really IS key! Confidence gives people the courage to make or break relationships, accept compliments and failures or even be comfortable dressing as the frump girl on Monday morning. And then I thought,

'Gee, this is why people always assume something is wrong with me.'

 I used to think smiling was something I only did when I was happy or if someone told a joke but it's far more than that. I shouldn't need  a reason to smile, I simply need to be OK with myself. Just owning that characteristic alone could have a significant impact on my life.

I have a friend who recently lost her grandmother and best friend in just two months. By the end of my fourth day of training, all I wanted to do was go home and vent to her about how I still can't make a frappuccino and how much of a dunce I am behind the coffee bar. But just seeing her sitting in the same spot on the couch the entire day, stricken with grief, made me put things in an entirely new perspective. IT'S JUST COFFEE! And for someone who doesn't even drink it, that's all it's ever been to me. It all seems so trivial. So what if I don't know how to make a stinkin' latte? It's only been a week for me on the job. Realistically, how could I learn to make all of the drinks in 6 days? It's understandable that I can't...and I say that with confidence!

In the beginning, learning something new is never easy, and  I need to remind myself of that everyday. Confidence isn't a subjective feeling that I can turn on or off whenever I want, it's a way of living. No matter if I'm having a bad hair day, am on my period or decide to opt for flats instead of heels, none of it could or should affect how I feel about my plain 'ole self.  Regardless of what anyone says, confidence gives you everything even if you don't  actually get anything. It's the only thing you have left once the makeup's removed, the hair extensions come out and your beer gut is hanging over your underwear.

I've had plenty of jobs and other responsibilities in the past where, if I had to teach a novice any of what I know, they'd be as equally as stressed as I am. I know I'm smart, beautiful, considerate, genuinely kind and loved, and it's time for me to realize it and own it. It's not arrogance, it's confidence.

I can expect, that the moment this whole confidence lesson finally resonates, that life will get much easier to navigate. Until that day comes, I'll kick back, marinate and listen to Charlie Chaplin's "Smile."

Tug-of-War

I've definitely fallen off since I last posted. In a way I feel like so much has happened when it really hasn't. I am not the same person I was when I began this blog and to me that's a harder pill to swallow. Some time ago I convinced myself that I spent too much time trying to be perfect for God. Every time I tried to do the right thing, the wrong thought or action would follow close behind. The more I tried to be perfect for him in such a short amount of time, the more I became lazy and resented the process. After coming to that conclusion, I was convinced that my traits of awful road rage, my constant crave for a drink and impatience with prayer was who I really was. I was tired of trying to help myself so I instead chose to remain stagnant and settle.

But ever since I made that choice my life has changed drastically...and not for the better. I'm always finding myself wishing I could go back and at least be happy. I was really happy when I was walking with God, but now, I'm not sure what I am. Anyway, because I think so much of how great my life was when I knew Christ, I thought I'd make a small list of the things I loved about my relationship with God:

1. Always waking up happy and grateful.

2. My constant attempts to see Jesus in everybody that I came across.

3. My ability to control my thoughts and words.

4. My desire to give to God.

5. Always having someone to talk with.

6. Reading and learning from the Bible.

7. Looking forward to church.

8. My iPod/ car stereo blasting my favorite Christian artists.

9. Knowing that my life is not my own.

10. God's grace and patience with me.

11. Wanting to know more of God all the time.

12. Having a positive outlook on life.

13. Having an appealing attitude.

14. God's gift of perseverance to me (which helped my snag a 3.4 GPA in my first year at UNT)

15. Never wanting to worry about the future.

16. Learning to love myself.

17. Learning the difference between God's voice & Satan's

18. Being certain of my life after death.

19. Being fearless.

20. Being genuinely happy.

I'm sure there's more to add to the list but my life was obviously what and where it needed to be when I walked with Jesus. I think about that life all the time and wish daily to get back. I am absolutely positive that when I was with Christ, that it was real. Just like any relationship, when you're away from someone for a period of time and all you can think of is how happy you were with them, to me that means some type of impact was there. Even though I don't live the way I should, I can still hear constantly, yet faintly His Holy Spirit. Sometimes I wish I couldn't hear Him and that He would leave me alone, but I honestly don't know what I'd do without His spirit. I know I want God back and He knows I do.

With that being said, thank you Lord for not leaving me behind. Your patience with me confuses me so much that I can't stand it. But I think you know how much I love and miss you. Please help me to walk back to you and to fight the urges to do the opposite of what you want for me.

[K]

Song of the Post: Matt Hammit - Let Go

True Colors

Yesterday I broke down on my way home. It was dark outside and for some reason when there's nothing but a full moon and the Texas stars shining down in my car, I feel closer to God. The light was almost blinding and I was feeling as though God was guiding me down the dark country road. Clearly the infatuation stage has subsided and now I'm getting into the inner workings of the change process that many Christians go through. For a while I slowly quit trying. But I still decided to pray.

I asked God to help me because I'd exhausted myself completely out of wanting to live for Him. When I decided to follow Christ last year, I understood the basics and I knew that Jesus is merciful and kind and blah blah blah. But somewhere in the mix I started unfairly challenging myself and setting my expectations higher than the ones God had for me. I'd make up ridiculous goals of going a day without judging someone, or thinking bad thoughts or complaining. You can imagine that I failed all the time. Pretty soon I allowed my old, destructive way of thinking to creep back into my brain. I started believing that perhaps this Christian thing wasn't for me because God was making His standards too high and that I'm too weak. Once that thinking made its way back into my life, it became harder to accept anything positive. I didn't mean to blame God; I even realize that none of what I was going through was His fault. It just sounded good at the time because it matched my miserable feelings.

Still, even though I was gradually slipping away from my relationship with Jesus, I was never able to transition completely back to my old lifestyle. I may have said a few bad words or had two glasses of wine too many, but something instilled within me wouldn't allow me to go back. I told God that being with Him must be where I belong. I know this because in all of my past attempts to get my life right, I failed and ultimately had no problem with going back to my old ways. This time, it's different. I know so because last October I chose to see for myself what all the Jesus fuss was about.

I thank God for this test. I know I failed (and that's OK), but I still learned. I learned that God doesn't give us what we He know's we can't handle. I'm also aware of the human nature that I will trust Jesus to help me change. These past weeks I've noticed how impatient, judgmental, susceptible to negative change I am. I can be short, inconsiderate and unstable with my emotions. I have A LOT of issues. This is great! Now I don't have to pretend that following Christ is easy. Now it'll be much easier to understand why I instinctively try to find other ways around doing what God wants. Perhaps I'll be even more patient with understanding the Bible. I mean let's be honest, the Bible is hard to understand. Even with all of the versions available today, I still have to close it, walk away and then come back.

I'm not perfect. I don't completely understand that just yet, but I'm getting there. Another thing I'm not, is a failure.

Song of The Post: Shawn McDonald - Ramblings of A Beggar

[K]

encouragement.

Around Valentine's Day my relationship with God was tested. A guy from my journalism class became the center of my focus and the first time we spent time alone together, it lasted for eight hours. The more I spent time with him, the further I pushed myself away from what God was trying to do in my life. Although he is considerate and knows how to make me laugh, there were definitely more cons than pros. I like that he's a hard worker and  a guy's guy, but I disliked his drug use, constant, unnecessary swearing, drinking and his stance on Jesus. Now the drinking and the drugs weren't a problem because I felt those could be changed. However his strong opinions against God were something I could not shake. Even after weeks of spending time with him, the Holy Spirit quietly and gradually revealed to me that this potential union would be a disaster. But I didn't listen to it.

I won't blame my failed test completely on him, but he did play a role. To make a long story short, I've been humbled through this ordeal and I'm working hard to keep a strong mind to stay away from these types of situations. 

I thought I could handle his atheism (although he never actually came out and told me he was an atheist) but it was surprisingly the one thing I had the most trouble trying to get over. I didn't even know that being with someone in love with God was that big of a deal for me. Needless to say, more time spent with him meant less time spent with God and His word. It's been a little while since we've gone out together. I've finally come to and realized for myself that trying to make this work wouldn't be worth it. I've apologized to God and I'm working on getting back in to our relationship. It most certainly has not been easy. It almost seems harder than before and sometimes discouragement takes over.

Well, one day at work I spent a while helping a woman with a thick Hispanic accent. She was so nice and really cute and just gave me enough energy to push on through my shift. As I'm checking her out at the register, we get on the topic of books and I tell her that reading has always been a familiar pastime of mine. She then suggests the Christian book store not too far from where I work and I instantly know what she's talking about. 

"LifeWay?," I said.

I then start telling her that I enjoy reading books by Joyce Meyer and Rick Warren. And then she smiles and through her thick accent, says to me the most encouraging, reassuring thing anyone has ever said to me:

"I know. I can tell you belong to Him."

I've never heard anything like that said before so imagine how I felt when, for the first time hearing it, it was being said to me! I guess I've always thought of myself as someone who's tolerable and pleasant to be around but it never occurred to me that my attitude or mannerisms could be an obvious result of what God has already done for me. I was at a loss for words and the only thing I could say back to her was thank you. I'll never forget Ms. Dora or what she said to me that day. Over the next few shifts, I made contact with other believers who also served as heaps of encouragement. I can't explain the warmth and sense of security I felt just being in the presence of believers who were willing to talk about Jesus so openly. All I knew was that I didn't want it to end.

I believe it was during those times that Jesus knew I needed to be reminded of his kindness. The unexpected words of encouragement from Ms. Dora and Ms. Arline were very much appreciated and I think it was Jesus's way of telling me that He still loved me and that I was still a part of His family. Whether or not those women realize it, they blessed me that day in more ways than they'll probably ever know. Then I realized that that's what a Christian is. That's what it means to be a believer. To bless others. They came at the right time, too. I was in a murky place where I was so confused about everything. God told me all along that I should follow Him. And I knew He was right because I honestly don't know what I want for myself. But it was those ladies that reinforced to me the benefit of letting God take control in my life.

Thank God for people like those women.

Song Of the Post: Evan Wickham - For So Long

[K]

Lone Donkey

During the week I take the same route to school. This journey includes me driving through farms and ranches on back country roads; seeing the sunrise each morning on my way to school while driving through the scenery is so relaxing.

One ranch that I drive by, I always take a peek at the horses eating their breakfast. But it isn't the horses that always catch my attention. Instead, underneath and between the legs of the stallions towering over their feeding bowls is a small donkey. Passing by that donkey each morning, I developed a small connection with him. He never really ate with the other horses and was almost always alone. He spent a lot of his time looking at the ground and seemed as if someone killed his best friend. I've always wondered why the other animals didn't want to be around him, but then I thought that I may be reading in to the situation a little too closely.

Then I began to think about when Jesus came in to Jerusalem on a donkey. I started thinking about how different the donkey is in comparison with Jesus. I couldn't believe that the people of Jerusalem allowed someone as influential and honorable as Jesus to ride in a city on an animal that's always alone and sad. I mean, Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh is the most pessimistic cartoon character I can think of. Surely someone like him is no match for the Son of God. Then I realized that Jesus was never in to outward appearances and what other people thought. Instead he was more interested in the matters of the heart. The fact that the people of Jerusalem obeyed Him, arranged the entrance and laid palm trees on the ground for Jesus to walk on probably meant much more to Jesus than arriving on a white stallion that would've only been used for show.

Now whenever I drive by that ranch, I think about Jesus's humility and his ability to overlook being flashy for the sake of what God wanted. It's funny how I got all of that out of a 25 minute commute to my university, but I feel that this was just one of those instances where God speaks to people through various means.

Song of the Post: Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing

[K]

Humility (Pt. 2)

The second definition that was revealed to me, and one that quickly left an impression, has to do with vulnerable humility. My entire life I've been the friend that made others laugh. This was where I felt most comfortable around people and with myself; to this day I still accept this part of my personality as real. But let's be honest, I don't wake up every morning ready to crack a joke. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed because I still deal with my mental demons. Other days I'm irritated or hurt. Feeling like this definitely makes it harder to get through the day. Furthermore, for anyone who knows me well, it's very easy to determine whether or not I'm in a good mood. Determining when I'm sad is easy. Getting me to talk about my feelings is the hard part.

I don't like when people worry about me. I don't like crying in front of people and I don't like talking about anything that could bring up painful memories. I have so much pride in the area of coming off as a strong person that the last thing I'd want is for anyone to feel sorry for me. I used to wonder why most of my friends would come to me for a laugh but not for an amateur counseling session. Now I know that it's because I don't show that side of myself. A few weeks ago, my mom told me of a really rough time she had during her childhood and it shook me to my core. My heart was hurting for her but my mind wouldn't allow my internal feelings to show on the outside. I felt like an idiot just sitting there stone-faced while her voice is cracking just trying to get through the story. I remember being ashamed of myself because I didn't have any clue as to how I could shake this pride.

A few days later I learned that a part of being humble is being vulnerable and honest. People need each other during the fun, silly times and the sad, crying times. Let's face it, life isn't always one big joke and bad things DO happen! In The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren talked about this very issue. He said something like,

'If people really could handle things on their own, then the problem would've been solved by now.' 

This statement automatically threw me back to January 2010 when the foundations of my life were shaken. I was still the jokester, but I also had my own issues. I had so many problems that I eventually became too ashamed to think about them amongst myself. The interior of my life was a dramatic difference than what people could see on the outside. And for the last 8 years of my life, what I worked so hard to hide was suddenly revealed for all to see in less than one day. Even after my hospital stay I was too embarrassed to see my friends because they had seen the years of pain that I didn't want anyone to ever know about.

After this happened I remember questioning God's plan because I felt that I didn't deserve to go through that experience. But after two years and a lot of thinking, I realize that it was all for good. This experience taught me that it's OK to have feelings. I'm learning that cheesy wedding vows and Touched By An Angel episodes make me tear up. But more importantly, there is more to being a friend than having the ability to make people laugh. People need one another to vent to and to cry with; I'll be the first to admit that this lesson is one that will take a lifetime to learn.

Song Of the Post: Stacie Orrico - Dear Friend

[K]