Closing Arguments

Have you ever been in an argument with someone who had the best response to all of your insults? And it wasn't until after the argument is long gone before you come up with at least five better responses you could've used? You know that your confidence in being the best arguer/ yourself would dramatically increase if you had the capacity to come up with better rebuttals but, almost always, you're left alone to relive each horror after the next while mentally kicking yourself in the leg.

Take my day, for example. While I was at work, my ex-boss came in through the drive-thru and ordered two lattes. Immediately, thoughts of the way he, his wife and his staff mistreated me up until the point where, without warning, I was fired, arose. It's been nearly ten months since they let me go and I still don't understand why it all happened. But all of those feelings of confusion, anger and revenge resurfaced and I couldn't help but want to get back at him. Now it goes without saying that if you're a barista and you're forced to deal with psycho customers, you add decaf shots of espresso instead of the shots we generally use. So the moment I saw him at the window, my first instinct was to decaf both lattes. However, I knew he'd still recognize me so I passed on my plan to my co-workers who then made the drinks the way I wanted.

After he left, I checked back with my fellow baristas to see if they'd actually decaffed his drink. They did, but they also did something else. It turns out my ex-boss also wanted them made with skim milk and, unbeknownst to be, was instead made with whole milk. When I learned that my co-worker went above and beyond my expectations, I felt an even greater sense of satisfaction. Because before I was let go, my ex-boss's wife had just quit smoking and always complained about how much weight she gained and that she couldn't fit into any of her designer jeans anymore. And if there's one thing most women wish on their female adversaries, it's that they gain weight.

Once I got home, I told my mom that my old boss showed up. I explained to her what happened with the decaf espresso shots and the whole milk, and the further I got into my story, the shorter her grin became. She said it was the wrong thing to do and that no matter what they did to me when I was working for them, that I can't just go around exacting my revenge on them or anyone else who's wronged me.

"Stop trying to make this a teachable moment", I told her. Yet, she insisted that it was.

I became so upset with her. It seems like every time I have a legitimate complaint about how my jobs have conveniently misplaced my work schedules, overworked me or questioned my responsibilities outside of the office, she'd side with them.

'It's not their job to be concerned with you,' she'd say. Or, 'Just get through it the best you can.'

It always bothered me that she would not only side with them, but believe that an employer has the right to mistreat the people that help them. I didn't see my mom for the rest of the night and spent the rest of my time upstairs in my room. At that time I thought about why I felt it was a fair decision to sabotage their drinks and why I felt satisfied afterward.  It didn't take long to figure out my reasons. I spent ages 14 to 21 being depressed because of bullies, family problems and low-self-esteem. I thought everything would go away if I learned to live with it, but it never did. You see, even after hardships passed and everyone around me got back to their seemingly happy selves, I was still stuck in my mental mud. The girls at school who gave me a hard time never did leave me alone until I left for college. The last time my sister told me I was fat and that no guy would ever want me, was before I was admitted to the hospital. For those eight, long years I carried those problems and words in my psyche thinking that I was doing a good job of getting through it the 'best I could.'

While I was in the hospital I was so angry with myself for letting it get as far is it did and for never sticking up for myself. I took every insult and angry look, locked it away inside and allowed it to torment me during the prime of my adolescence. I always pretended not to hear or see all of the bad things that happened to me and it backfired. Like I spoke about in the beginning of this post, I thought of all the great comebacks I could've said after the arguments were long gone and ended up kicking myself for it. It still hurts to think of my younger self who walked those hallways with her head down or stayed in her room all day feeling more alone than ever. It's hard to think of how I felt or looked each time I was demeaned. Because the more I think about it, the more I feel I should've done something.

Now that I'm older, I don't take shit from anyone. I can't allow myself to go down in that way again. Today I equate sticking up for myself with self-worth. So when I saw my old boss through the window, it was a moment where I chose to finally stick up for myself. To make up for all of the other times that I let them walk all over me. But more importantly, my beef with him was enveloped with all of those other times I never stood up for myself and regretted it later on.

For the record, I know it was wrong to deliberately mess up his order; it was petty and immature. But in that moment, everything became a giant blur accompanied by a rush of emotions and I didn't think about anyone's feelings but my own. And I have to tell you, it felt good to finally experience that.

The Aftermath

The outcome of the Zimmerman/Martin trial is one that I’ll never forget. I can’t remember a time when a high-profile trial literally left me on the verge of tears. I’m speechless, stunned, angry and hurt. I honestly don’t know how to feel or what to think. Being in public for me is different now. The thought of my blackness in this “post-racial society” is more magnified than ever. Walking around in Target, I felt out of place as I slowly faced the reality of what that verdict means to me, blacks and whites. I never wanted to be the type of black person who had it out for the white man or was always angry about something racial. I tried my damnest to live with America’s history and the racial discrimination I still receive to this day, in hopes of building a more harmonious community. I want to believe that law enforcement and the courts care about me the way they do their own; I want to believe that race has been over since the end of slavery but I know that isn’t true.

At this moment, I’ve never received a more negative message in my life: that the values of my brothers are non-existent. It hurts to see those out there (especially the shameful Zimmerman family) strongly defend someone who admitted to murder while at the same time, condemning the victim. Despite Martin being a minor, unarmed and without a criminal record, this “post-racial society” went to work at smearing the name of Trayvon and his family. A lot of people think this case has nothing to do with race and that Zimmerman is justified in his self-defense claim So, let’s play devil’s advocate. Let’s say Zimmerman didn’t shoot Trayvon because he was black, but because he was actually up to no good. What exactly does that change? Does it make Zimmerman right? What justifies Zimmerman killing an unarmed minor? I assure you, taking race out of this equation will only make this problem harder to solve. So, instead of killing an unarmed black boy, Zimmerman kills an unarmed boy. Can people see what’s wrong with the picture now? Is it ok to kill minors because they’re up to no good?

‘Oh, well he was wearing a hoodie,’ they say. Or, ‘He was a thug who skipped school and had THC in his system,’ they’d argue.

Alright, so let’s say that’s true. Maybe he was a drug addict who disregarded authority. Does that justify killing someone? Apparently if you’re black. They crucified this kid and lied on his name about who he was at his own murder trial. They tried to arm him with anything after they found him with nothing. They teased his friend, the last one to hear from him, and made a mockery of her on national television. They’re unable to fathom the idea that people are wired to fight off an attacker when provoked as if that isn’t the logical thing to do. What about Trayvon defending himself? Who cares to think that Martin was fighting to live and not necessarily to kill? And you mean to tell me this isn’t about race?

Message boards around the internet are riddled with arguments from black and white people, each side trying to justify why they agree or disagree with the verdict. The arguments usually go something like this:

White person: Why does everything have to be about race? We have a black president now so America is past that. I don’t understand why blacks are so angry; they should just get over it, especially since they weren’t slaves.”

Black person: So because Obama’s president, racism doesn’t exist? (Then they list instances of discrimination and other reasons why racism exists and why their anger is justified.)

I feel sorry for those who respond to those white people who have the audacity to tell African-Americans to get over slavery. You think we’re upset about that? Of course we aren’t. What we are mad about, are those sporting rose-colored glasses and are unable to address an issue that won’t ever go away until we actually talk about. Besides, slavery, much less racism, is not something to get over, but to live with. We aren’t talking about the death of a cat, we’re talking about an entire race of people being unexpectedly taken from their homes to an unknown land where they are degraded, beaten and killed for no other reason than being black. This is about the efforts since slavery’s abolition and the civil rights movement and how even those have fallen short nearly 50 years later. I think what makes us so angry is the blatant disregard and willful ignorance of the race issue and how it affects us psychologically and emotionally.

A friend of mine got into a discussion about the case with a white woman who basically wrote that blacks need to get over slavery because it doesn’t exist anymore. Besides saying some other off the wall stuff, she fought tooth and nail to get black people to understand where she was coming from. She thought her argument was solid and logical but it wasn’t; she got eaten alive. What’s funny about this is that woman came into the Martin/Zimmerman discussion because she felt she had a solid viewpoint of racism in America. She used the same arguments we’ve all heard before and wasn’t backing down from anyone. What makes this situation sad is that she didn’t even try to learn. Here she is, talking to the source about racism. You could ask us anything you wanted and we’d be happy to tell you. (Side note: White people always seem afraid to talk about race with black people because they think we might get upset. Actually, that couldn’t be farther than the truth. As a community, blacks talk about racism all the time and we surely would’ve appreciated and respected any non-black individual who genuinely wants to understand the other side.)From her arguments, it’s clear that that woman sees racism for what it is: black vs. white. However, it’s so much more than that. It’s a science that goes from one subcategory to another subcategory to another. Each topic has several levels that, even if the white lady did want to learn it all, she still would never really know and understand racism; I can’t fault her for that. I just find it funny that she believed she could outtalk a black person on the issue. As said before, her stubbornness is what really angers us.

Online commenters also love to use the argument:

“Well how come blacks aren’t this upset when one of their own kills a member of their community? Why do they try to make us feel guilty about it? They should be more worried about those murders in Chicago or Detroit.”

I think this comment, more than anything, makes my blood boil. The same people who make these statements are the same ones blaming Trayvon Martin for his own death. How dare they tell us that even we don’t care about our people…they have no idea! When lesser-known people are murdered, we are sad and we are outraged, it just isn’t shown on CNN, MSNBC and FOX. When we lose someone to gang violence, there are city council meetings and marches, but apparently the post-racial media doesn’t seem to give damn about that. We don’t condone that foolishness either, but when one of our own is killed and the murderer gets off, why shouldn’t we be mad? At least if a black person does it, they go to jail. Zimmerman didn’t even get probation or house arrest.  How dare they falsely sympathize about the 40 people killed in Chicago  but can’t give a damn about an unarmed teen. We don’t need your sympathy or any emotion from you!

It hurts my soul that Martin’s name was smeared. It kills me that even a black minor doesn’t have rights. I often think about the media and how they report countless missing children’s stories featuring white kids. How their cameras are shoved in the faces of grieving parents and law enforcement officers. I imagine the dozens of trucks, cameras and crew camped out in the town where it all happened. I think about the laws passed since the majority of these kids have been found dead and the action that’s been taken after those unfortunate events. I think about the Newtown shooting where a bunch of kindergarteners and teachers were gunned down by a psychotic white man and how the nation collectively mourned the loss of their young. And then I say to myself,

“Is Trayvon really not any different? He was a kid just like they were.”

This situation is painfully hypocritical and something I’ll always be at a loss for words on. I suppose the only things that give me comfort are that Trayvon didn’t have to see any of this and that Zimmerman is a wanted man by millions of angry civilians. His life will never be the same, and for killing someone, that’s as fair a punishment as he’ll get.

As I enter into my final semester of college, I patiently wait for my graduation date to arrive. Some of it has to do with the economy, but a lot of it stems from fear. What should be a milestone in my young life has now turned into something I'll just have to accept instead of fully celebrate. I feel this way because I know the real world has much harder things for me to deal with than just working a 9 to 5 and paying off student loans. I’m afraid for my black male cousins and friends. I’m afraid for my future children and what this post-racial society will do to their psyche and I’m scared that I won’t be sufficient enough to handle it. I’m worried that things may never get better.

Nobody Wins

The Trayvon Martin murder case of 2012 brought to the forefront a conversation that many Americans grew fond of ignoring.

If you aren't aware (which you at least should be), Martin was a black, Florida teen who was gunned down by neighborhood watchman, George Zimmerman, after he suspected the the youngster of being an intruder near a gated apartment complex. Zimmerman called the cops who then instructed that he not follow Martin around the residence. George obviously ignored him. Minutes later, a scuffle ensued and Martin was dead.

A year later, the case is finally going to trial and you better believe that the country, for whatever reason, is divided over this one. Some would say that Martin shouldn't have ran from Zimmerman, that he was already a certified thug who often skipped class and smoked weed. They would say Zimmerman acted like that of a concerned watchman patrolling a neighborhood after a string of robberies orchestrated by black, male criminals. Others would say that George deliberately disobeyed the police dispatcher and acted outside of the authoritative boundaries given to neighborhood watchmen. Whether you stand on Martin or Zimmerman's side is irrelevant to the heart of the situation. Regardless of if Martin was already a thug or not or whether Zimmerman acted appropriately, is beside the point.

I'm sure we all know that some of the harshest, irrational critics like to surface on discussion boards all over the internet. These people, with their cheesy, over-thought usernames, pull every offensive scenario out of their asses over this case which ultimately returns to the real root of this situation: race.

On the second day of the trial, Rachel Jeantel, the 19-year-old who spoke to Martin in the moments leading up to his death, stated that Martin called Zimmerman a "creepy ass cracker."

Now hold up!

I immediately scroll down to the comments sections, which is a surefire way to get my blood pressure to skyrocket, and found exactly what I was looking for. One user commented, "Creepy ass cracker," hm? Looks like St. Skittles was a touch racist, no? Another user came to Martins's defense saying "cracker" is not a racist term. Then, another user (white, obviously) said, "cracker isn't a racist term" but in a sarcastic way. You know, in the time that I've been aware of this country we call America, I have never seen one ethnic group be so confused in their own country. White people love to tan, have fuller lips, plumper butts, enjoy twerking and wear jewelry common in the black community (ex: gold hoops with your name in the middle, grills) because they think it's cute or trendy. Nothing more, nothing less. But, when the time comes to combat discrimination or racism of any kind, that't when they retreat back to their outward appearances to help them get by.

 So what exactly am I getting at? Basically, I'm tired of white people wanting to hop on the African-American gravy train when they want and then jump ship when the seas get rough. I feel like even with all of the progress that's been made, white people always try to one up minorities. For example, Trayvon Martin calling Zimmerman a "creepy ass cracker" and every other white person screaming racism. How is cracker racist? That's like someone calling me ugly or a bitch. Those words can only undermine someone's outward appearance or attitude. Those type of insults don't insult people's intelligence, potential or family all in the same breath. Sort of like the word "cracker." That word means nothing more than the color of someone's skin. Nigger, on the other hand, virtually dismisses every fiber of who I am as woman AND a black woman.

So to be fair, if people are really going to be outraged over Martin calling Zimmerman a cracker, let's not be so quick to forget Zimmerman's initial racial profiling when he noticed a certain black teen wearing a hooded sweatshirt. Among the other prejudiced and discriminatory things Zimmerman was recorded saying on the 911 call about how black people "always get away." Regardless of if Trayvon was a thug, skipped school and was minutes away from being revealed as the Antichrist," it was this trigger-happy neighborhood "cop" that started all of this and brought race into the issue!

Confidence is Key

I recently started a new job at Starbucks...it is definitely more than I expected. Despite all of the warnings from my barista friends, I decided to take on the challenge. I think of myself as a relatively fast learner so I wasn't too stressed out. All of that changed my first week of training. The first day went great! I was happy to have a new, exciting job and even more anxious since I haven't worked in the food industry since I was in high school. The second day, however, was a whole different ball game. I don't drink coffee, much less visit Starbucks often so you can imagine how hard it was for me to learn the different cup sizes, coffee types and recipes. Every time I was put on the spot to name a drink, make a drink or describe a coffee, I choked and the frustration was written all over my face. I apologized to my trainer for my poor attitude and vowed to not let my ignorance get the best of me. By the third day, I was confident again. I made nearly-perfect lattes and cappuccinos and things started to look brighter. But by the fourth day, my confidence crashed once again and I started to doubt that I would ever remember how to do anything. Again, the frustration showed. By shifts end, I was glad to take off my apron and head back to my apartment. As I was driving 30 minutes back home, I started to realize something: I have ZERO confidence...about anything!

 It hit me like a ton of bricks. Whether it be at school, work or life in general, I somehow seem to have an uncertain outlook about everything, and it didn't help that I always let it get the best of me. At my other job, my supervisor always tells me to quit beating myself up and to build more confidence in myself. But in true prodigal angel fashion, I took it as a personal attack, often venting to my mom or anyone else who would listen. Needless to say, my supervisor was absolutely right. I need to believe in myself more. Whenever I make a mistake, take criticism or wear t-shirts in public, not a trace of confidence can be found. I'm 24-years old and I feel as if I should've learned this lesson already, so you can imagine how humbling, yet devastating it was to have this epiphany. I guess the old saying, "confidence is key" is not a cliche. It really IS key! Confidence gives people the courage to make or break relationships, accept compliments and failures or even be comfortable dressing as the frump girl on Monday morning. And then I thought,

'Gee, this is why people always assume something is wrong with me.'

 I used to think smiling was something I only did when I was happy or if someone told a joke but it's far more than that. I shouldn't need  a reason to smile, I simply need to be OK with myself. Just owning that characteristic alone could have a significant impact on my life.

I have a friend who recently lost her grandmother and best friend in just two months. By the end of my fourth day of training, all I wanted to do was go home and vent to her about how I still can't make a frappuccino and how much of a dunce I am behind the coffee bar. But just seeing her sitting in the same spot on the couch the entire day, stricken with grief, made me put things in an entirely new perspective. IT'S JUST COFFEE! And for someone who doesn't even drink it, that's all it's ever been to me. It all seems so trivial. So what if I don't know how to make a stinkin' latte? It's only been a week for me on the job. Realistically, how could I learn to make all of the drinks in 6 days? It's understandable that I can't...and I say that with confidence!

In the beginning, learning something new is never easy, and  I need to remind myself of that everyday. Confidence isn't a subjective feeling that I can turn on or off whenever I want, it's a way of living. No matter if I'm having a bad hair day, am on my period or decide to opt for flats instead of heels, none of it could or should affect how I feel about my plain 'ole self.  Regardless of what anyone says, confidence gives you everything even if you don't  actually get anything. It's the only thing you have left once the makeup's removed, the hair extensions come out and your beer gut is hanging over your underwear.

I've had plenty of jobs and other responsibilities in the past where, if I had to teach a novice any of what I know, they'd be as equally as stressed as I am. I know I'm smart, beautiful, considerate, genuinely kind and loved, and it's time for me to realize it and own it. It's not arrogance, it's confidence.

I can expect, that the moment this whole confidence lesson finally resonates, that life will get much easier to navigate. Until that day comes, I'll kick back, marinate and listen to Charlie Chaplin's "Smile."

Tug-of-War

I've definitely fallen off since I last posted. In a way I feel like so much has happened when it really hasn't. I am not the same person I was when I began this blog and to me that's a harder pill to swallow. Some time ago I convinced myself that I spent too much time trying to be perfect for God. Every time I tried to do the right thing, the wrong thought or action would follow close behind. The more I tried to be perfect for him in such a short amount of time, the more I became lazy and resented the process. After coming to that conclusion, I was convinced that my traits of awful road rage, my constant crave for a drink and impatience with prayer was who I really was. I was tired of trying to help myself so I instead chose to remain stagnant and settle.

But ever since I made that choice my life has changed drastically...and not for the better. I'm always finding myself wishing I could go back and at least be happy. I was really happy when I was walking with God, but now, I'm not sure what I am. Anyway, because I think so much of how great my life was when I knew Christ, I thought I'd make a small list of the things I loved about my relationship with God:

1. Always waking up happy and grateful.

2. My constant attempts to see Jesus in everybody that I came across.

3. My ability to control my thoughts and words.

4. My desire to give to God.

5. Always having someone to talk with.

6. Reading and learning from the Bible.

7. Looking forward to church.

8. My iPod/ car stereo blasting my favorite Christian artists.

9. Knowing that my life is not my own.

10. God's grace and patience with me.

11. Wanting to know more of God all the time.

12. Having a positive outlook on life.

13. Having an appealing attitude.

14. God's gift of perseverance to me (which helped my snag a 3.4 GPA in my first year at UNT)

15. Never wanting to worry about the future.

16. Learning to love myself.

17. Learning the difference between God's voice & Satan's

18. Being certain of my life after death.

19. Being fearless.

20. Being genuinely happy.

I'm sure there's more to add to the list but my life was obviously what and where it needed to be when I walked with Jesus. I think about that life all the time and wish daily to get back. I am absolutely positive that when I was with Christ, that it was real. Just like any relationship, when you're away from someone for a period of time and all you can think of is how happy you were with them, to me that means some type of impact was there. Even though I don't live the way I should, I can still hear constantly, yet faintly His Holy Spirit. Sometimes I wish I couldn't hear Him and that He would leave me alone, but I honestly don't know what I'd do without His spirit. I know I want God back and He knows I do.

With that being said, thank you Lord for not leaving me behind. Your patience with me confuses me so much that I can't stand it. But I think you know how much I love and miss you. Please help me to walk back to you and to fight the urges to do the opposite of what you want for me.

[K]

Song of the Post: Matt Hammit - Let Go

True Colors

Yesterday I broke down on my way home. It was dark outside and for some reason when there's nothing but a full moon and the Texas stars shining down in my car, I feel closer to God. The light was almost blinding and I was feeling as though God was guiding me down the dark country road. Clearly the infatuation stage has subsided and now I'm getting into the inner workings of the change process that many Christians go through. For a while I slowly quit trying. But I still decided to pray.

I asked God to help me because I'd exhausted myself completely out of wanting to live for Him. When I decided to follow Christ last year, I understood the basics and I knew that Jesus is merciful and kind and blah blah blah. But somewhere in the mix I started unfairly challenging myself and setting my expectations higher than the ones God had for me. I'd make up ridiculous goals of going a day without judging someone, or thinking bad thoughts or complaining. You can imagine that I failed all the time. Pretty soon I allowed my old, destructive way of thinking to creep back into my brain. I started believing that perhaps this Christian thing wasn't for me because God was making His standards too high and that I'm too weak. Once that thinking made its way back into my life, it became harder to accept anything positive. I didn't mean to blame God; I even realize that none of what I was going through was His fault. It just sounded good at the time because it matched my miserable feelings.

Still, even though I was gradually slipping away from my relationship with Jesus, I was never able to transition completely back to my old lifestyle. I may have said a few bad words or had two glasses of wine too many, but something instilled within me wouldn't allow me to go back. I told God that being with Him must be where I belong. I know this because in all of my past attempts to get my life right, I failed and ultimately had no problem with going back to my old ways. This time, it's different. I know so because last October I chose to see for myself what all the Jesus fuss was about.

I thank God for this test. I know I failed (and that's OK), but I still learned. I learned that God doesn't give us what we He know's we can't handle. I'm also aware of the human nature that I will trust Jesus to help me change. These past weeks I've noticed how impatient, judgmental, susceptible to negative change I am. I can be short, inconsiderate and unstable with my emotions. I have A LOT of issues. This is great! Now I don't have to pretend that following Christ is easy. Now it'll be much easier to understand why I instinctively try to find other ways around doing what God wants. Perhaps I'll be even more patient with understanding the Bible. I mean let's be honest, the Bible is hard to understand. Even with all of the versions available today, I still have to close it, walk away and then come back.

I'm not perfect. I don't completely understand that just yet, but I'm getting there. Another thing I'm not, is a failure.

Song of The Post: Shawn McDonald - Ramblings of A Beggar

[K]

encouragement.

Around Valentine's Day my relationship with God was tested. A guy from my journalism class became the center of my focus and the first time we spent time alone together, it lasted for eight hours. The more I spent time with him, the further I pushed myself away from what God was trying to do in my life. Although he is considerate and knows how to make me laugh, there were definitely more cons than pros. I like that he's a hard worker and  a guy's guy, but I disliked his drug use, constant, unnecessary swearing, drinking and his stance on Jesus. Now the drinking and the drugs weren't a problem because I felt those could be changed. However his strong opinions against God were something I could not shake. Even after weeks of spending time with him, the Holy Spirit quietly and gradually revealed to me that this potential union would be a disaster. But I didn't listen to it.

I won't blame my failed test completely on him, but he did play a role. To make a long story short, I've been humbled through this ordeal and I'm working hard to keep a strong mind to stay away from these types of situations. 

I thought I could handle his atheism (although he never actually came out and told me he was an atheist) but it was surprisingly the one thing I had the most trouble trying to get over. I didn't even know that being with someone in love with God was that big of a deal for me. Needless to say, more time spent with him meant less time spent with God and His word. It's been a little while since we've gone out together. I've finally come to and realized for myself that trying to make this work wouldn't be worth it. I've apologized to God and I'm working on getting back in to our relationship. It most certainly has not been easy. It almost seems harder than before and sometimes discouragement takes over.

Well, one day at work I spent a while helping a woman with a thick Hispanic accent. She was so nice and really cute and just gave me enough energy to push on through my shift. As I'm checking her out at the register, we get on the topic of books and I tell her that reading has always been a familiar pastime of mine. She then suggests the Christian book store not too far from where I work and I instantly know what she's talking about. 

"LifeWay?," I said.

I then start telling her that I enjoy reading books by Joyce Meyer and Rick Warren. And then she smiles and through her thick accent, says to me the most encouraging, reassuring thing anyone has ever said to me:

"I know. I can tell you belong to Him."

I've never heard anything like that said before so imagine how I felt when, for the first time hearing it, it was being said to me! I guess I've always thought of myself as someone who's tolerable and pleasant to be around but it never occurred to me that my attitude or mannerisms could be an obvious result of what God has already done for me. I was at a loss for words and the only thing I could say back to her was thank you. I'll never forget Ms. Dora or what she said to me that day. Over the next few shifts, I made contact with other believers who also served as heaps of encouragement. I can't explain the warmth and sense of security I felt just being in the presence of believers who were willing to talk about Jesus so openly. All I knew was that I didn't want it to end.

I believe it was during those times that Jesus knew I needed to be reminded of his kindness. The unexpected words of encouragement from Ms. Dora and Ms. Arline were very much appreciated and I think it was Jesus's way of telling me that He still loved me and that I was still a part of His family. Whether or not those women realize it, they blessed me that day in more ways than they'll probably ever know. Then I realized that that's what a Christian is. That's what it means to be a believer. To bless others. They came at the right time, too. I was in a murky place where I was so confused about everything. God told me all along that I should follow Him. And I knew He was right because I honestly don't know what I want for myself. But it was those ladies that reinforced to me the benefit of letting God take control in my life.

Thank God for people like those women.

Song Of the Post: Evan Wickham - For So Long

[K]

Lone Donkey

During the week I take the same route to school. This journey includes me driving through farms and ranches on back country roads; seeing the sunrise each morning on my way to school while driving through the scenery is so relaxing.

One ranch that I drive by, I always take a peek at the horses eating their breakfast. But it isn't the horses that always catch my attention. Instead, underneath and between the legs of the stallions towering over their feeding bowls is a small donkey. Passing by that donkey each morning, I developed a small connection with him. He never really ate with the other horses and was almost always alone. He spent a lot of his time looking at the ground and seemed as if someone killed his best friend. I've always wondered why the other animals didn't want to be around him, but then I thought that I may be reading in to the situation a little too closely.

Then I began to think about when Jesus came in to Jerusalem on a donkey. I started thinking about how different the donkey is in comparison with Jesus. I couldn't believe that the people of Jerusalem allowed someone as influential and honorable as Jesus to ride in a city on an animal that's always alone and sad. I mean, Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh is the most pessimistic cartoon character I can think of. Surely someone like him is no match for the Son of God. Then I realized that Jesus was never in to outward appearances and what other people thought. Instead he was more interested in the matters of the heart. The fact that the people of Jerusalem obeyed Him, arranged the entrance and laid palm trees on the ground for Jesus to walk on probably meant much more to Jesus than arriving on a white stallion that would've only been used for show.

Now whenever I drive by that ranch, I think about Jesus's humility and his ability to overlook being flashy for the sake of what God wanted. It's funny how I got all of that out of a 25 minute commute to my university, but I feel that this was just one of those instances where God speaks to people through various means.

Song of the Post: Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing

[K]

Humility (Pt. 2)

The second definition that was revealed to me, and one that quickly left an impression, has to do with vulnerable humility. My entire life I've been the friend that made others laugh. This was where I felt most comfortable around people and with myself; to this day I still accept this part of my personality as real. But let's be honest, I don't wake up every morning ready to crack a joke. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed because I still deal with my mental demons. Other days I'm irritated or hurt. Feeling like this definitely makes it harder to get through the day. Furthermore, for anyone who knows me well, it's very easy to determine whether or not I'm in a good mood. Determining when I'm sad is easy. Getting me to talk about my feelings is the hard part.

I don't like when people worry about me. I don't like crying in front of people and I don't like talking about anything that could bring up painful memories. I have so much pride in the area of coming off as a strong person that the last thing I'd want is for anyone to feel sorry for me. I used to wonder why most of my friends would come to me for a laugh but not for an amateur counseling session. Now I know that it's because I don't show that side of myself. A few weeks ago, my mom told me of a really rough time she had during her childhood and it shook me to my core. My heart was hurting for her but my mind wouldn't allow my internal feelings to show on the outside. I felt like an idiot just sitting there stone-faced while her voice is cracking just trying to get through the story. I remember being ashamed of myself because I didn't have any clue as to how I could shake this pride.

A few days later I learned that a part of being humble is being vulnerable and honest. People need each other during the fun, silly times and the sad, crying times. Let's face it, life isn't always one big joke and bad things DO happen! In The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren talked about this very issue. He said something like,

'If people really could handle things on their own, then the problem would've been solved by now.' 

This statement automatically threw me back to January 2010 when the foundations of my life were shaken. I was still the jokester, but I also had my own issues. I had so many problems that I eventually became too ashamed to think about them amongst myself. The interior of my life was a dramatic difference than what people could see on the outside. And for the last 8 years of my life, what I worked so hard to hide was suddenly revealed for all to see in less than one day. Even after my hospital stay I was too embarrassed to see my friends because they had seen the years of pain that I didn't want anyone to ever know about.

After this happened I remember questioning God's plan because I felt that I didn't deserve to go through that experience. But after two years and a lot of thinking, I realize that it was all for good. This experience taught me that it's OK to have feelings. I'm learning that cheesy wedding vows and Touched By An Angel episodes make me tear up. But more importantly, there is more to being a friend than having the ability to make people laugh. People need one another to vent to and to cry with; I'll be the first to admit that this lesson is one that will take a lifetime to learn.

Song Of the Post: Stacie Orrico - Dear Friend

[K]

Humilty

A lot of people, including myself, can have a misunderstanding about the true definition of humility. I always thought being humble meant thinking less of yourself in the name of love or not letting success get to your head. I hear all the time about how humility is such a great characteristic to have because many people won't admit their weaknesses. This can be an easy trap to fall in, especially for a new Christian like myself. All jokes aside, my relationship with Christ has been the longest relationship I have ever been in mainly because I actually have a desire to keep going. Giving Him my heart and seeking His face through the Word and prayer gave me a sense of self-confidence and happiness because I felt my life was finally getting on the right track. I thought, 'Now I'm ready to go out in to the world, let my light shine and bring people to Jesus Christ.' Having these thoughts is a good thing and is even something Paul encouraged. But the deceitful trap I fell in was a trap that I hadn't noticed until I was too far in. Whenever I would be around people unaware of God's love I would treat them with love in my mind, but in my heart I was condemning and judging them because they couldn't see the amount of damage they were doing to their eternal salvation. For a while this became a habit. Deep down I knew something was wrong about my behavior but I couldn't quite put my finger on the sin I was committing. There's a particular verse that stood out to me once I started searching for answers. In Jeremiah 17:9 it says,

  "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?"

This caught my attention because no matter how much I think I know about Christ to go out and try to save or influence others, my own heart is something that I don't even know. Furthermore I went out and mentally judged everyone who used swear words, drank too much or had a bad temper.I was so bent on being an influence that I completely forgot (or failed to) humble myself. It's crazy how someone can be so preoccupied with doing the right thing the right way that we lose total focus and our intentions are not of God's. This was an incredibly humbling experience for me. It was silly of me to think that after 3 months of reading the Bible each day, praying and being joyful that I was suddenly the poster child for Christianity. God certainly had to give me a friendly reminder. So after learning that I couldn't possibly know all the depths of my heart, I came across another scripture that is very important for me to remember. In Romans 12:3 Paul writes,

"Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don't think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluations of yourselves, measuring yourself by the faith God has given us."

First, I love how Paul says this is a privilege to have anything from God, especially something like His authority. Secondly, this is something he warns people like me about. Somewhere in the mix I forgot that I too smoked, drank, had a terrible attitude and a potty mouth (among other things). Reading this reminded me that all I have and know is because of God's grace. And if He gives me the integrity to honestly evaluate who I am, then I should use this privilege the way I know He wants me to. Last Sunday my Pastor said he thought it was funny how those who have been saved by Jesus love to give testimonies about who they used to be and what they used to do before being saved all while forgetting to mention the part where Jesus is still saving and changing them. In other words, just because you've been awakened to the calling of the Holy Spirit does not mean that that is all there is to it. Following Jesus is a growth kind of process and a great learning experience where there is always room for change and improvement and takes a lifetime to achieve. Now that God has shown me how I wrong I am, I have started taking smaller steps in how I look at myself and others. Furthermore in this journey of becoming more humble, I am realizing that this is only the beginning.

Song of the Post: Deluge - Let's Worship

(This post is only one half of the definition of humility that has been made known to me by God. My next entry will deal with the second half.)

[K]

My Responsibilty

Growing up as the daughter of a pastor, I became acquainted with the church routine. Sundays were always about getting to church early, staying late after, eating Sunday dinner, napping and then going right back for the evening service. As a young girl I don't think I had a problem with going to church; I even viewed it as something positive. But around the time I was about 12 or 13 years old, I began drifting away from what I had known my whole life and started taking in other people's opinion about the church and God. Like most kids in my position, I started to see church differently and would often criticize God  because of the less than Christian behavior I witnessed by some of the folks that were apart of the congregation. After I moved back to the states and became permanently enrolled in public school, I instantly recognized the lack of order in a lot of the kids I encountered. Looking back now, I couldn't have been in a more dangerous place at such a young age. By the time I got to college, I had completely dismissed God altogether and in my ignorance, came up with a baseless fact that the church was a fraud because the people claiming to be the church were also frauds. I know now that hanging around people who didn't obey God yet had their own ideas about who He was, flipped the good-girl switch in me. Even the bible says bad company corrupts good judgement. Anyway, for most of my college career my mom would hound me with the same question every week, "Did you go to church?" Of course she knew I hadn't and she'd make it known to me how disappointed she was. I would often get offended that she would ask me such a question having full knowledge already that I didn't want to follow in their footsteps.

Fast forward to present day, I am able to see so many signs of insecurities within myself that allowed me to stay in Satan's grip for so long. I realize now that the reason I became so defensive towards my mother about not attending church was because I knew I needed to be there and I knew God wanted me to be there. Furthermore, like a lot of unbelievers whose way of living comes into question, I saw this as a personal attack on who I believed myself to be and I pushed myself further from God. Now that I think about it, it wasn't my parents or any questionable Christians that finally deterred me from Jesus, it was myself! I could have chosen to be open-minded about Jesus' transforming processes on many people's lives. I could have chosen to explore God myself. I could have chosen to look to Jesus for guidance and not the "saints." But I didn't and in my stubbornness, I felt I was in the right for not choosing to do any of those things because I blamed the churchgoers and God for my problems. But back to 2012...

Now whenever I'm at church and I'm singing to God and reaffirming my relationship with Him, it is also the congregation that makes my soul happy. It was and still is such an amazing feeling to be around people who truly love Jesus and are making an effort to stay on course with His teachings. It's at these services that I realize the importance of the church not just in the world, but in the life of a believer as well. I'm shocked at how much time I wasted hiding from God and blaming my lack of spirituality on the church. Now I know that it isn't in my best interest to view God's people (no matter how righteous) as a playbook of how to live the way Jesus wants me to. That's not to say that I can't trust them or even learn from their actions, but what I am saying  is that the mistake of man is not the mistake of God. God makes no mistakes. And if a believer does fall short, whether they be a bishop or a janitor, it is because they have temporarily disconnected themselves from the counsel of Jesus. In other words, the lady who shouted profanity at a crowd of students at my private Christian school didn't do so because God had left her or because He isn't real, but because she had a moment of weakness. Furthermore, the weight of the world and all of its problems cannot be directly traced to God's absence or His "weakness" in not avenging the righteous or innocent, but can only be linked to our weaknesses and our apparent need for dependence on Him that many in this world have not yet come to realize. Besides, I believe that it takes a God like mine, although omnipresent and omnipotent and omniscient, to practice His own teachings by staying honest and faithful in His own promises by granting patience to all people in the hopes that they will turn to Him also.That's the kind of God I admire!

Song Of the Post: Holly Starr - Take Me As I Am

[K]

Too Busy For God

I always believed that laziness was the cause of my downfall to my failed attempts at staying in a close relationship with God. There were times when I'd wake up one morning and not feel so on fire or as close to Jesus as I had been days before. I looked at it as Jesus no longer seeing anything in me. Furthermore, I'd give up and abandon my relationship with Him and continue to pursue the life I thought I'd left behind. This time around, I haven't given my feelings the power to determine the course of my relationship with God. Ironically, however, it is busyness, not laziness, that is driving a wedge between God and myself.

With the holidays still in full swing, my job as a sales associate at an over-priced home furnishings store has totally consumed my energy. Not only am I having trouble remembering what day it is, but I'm not spending a lot of time with my family or God. I was frustrated because I knew I was too young to be working so hard that I didn't have time for anything. I was becoming more irritable and started putting my time alone with Jesus aside. The first time I did this, I didn't feel guilty because I knew God would understand my busyness and me being so tired. Little did I know that this would become a habit...but only for a very short period of time.  The more I put off spending time with God, the more distance I felt between Him and me. It was a really dark period in my spiritual life because I loved being on fire for God and the joy it brought me and I no longer wanted to live life without that feeling. Now, I'm not going to lie, but I did think for a while that my relationship with Jesus was pointless because I believed that I didn't have it in me to make Him proud of me. Thanking God in the morning, reading my devotional, bible studies and prayer just didn't feel the same and I got discouraged. Thank God for pastor Rick Warren!

I've started reading The Purpose Driven Life a few weeks ago and one chapter that really got my attention was the one titled 'When God Seems Distant.' In it, I learned that God designates times in our spiritual lives to draw back and test our faith. I tell you, the instant I read and understood that statement, I was humbled and honored that God knew my strength to be strong enough to test. I also learned that God's omnipresence and the manifestation of His presence are two things. One is fact while the other is based off of emotion. Furthermore, God distances himself to test our faith in Him and His truth. In doing this, I can evaluate my feelings and not let them determine the course of God and I's relationship. I feel silly that I misinterpreted His distance in my first few attempts at changing my life. Therefore I'm much more confident that because this attempt will be one worth constantly improving.

After reading that chapter several times, I then moved on to the busyness plaguing my young life. I knew being too busy to include God in my life was a bad thing so I did some research on it. In doing so, I learned that if Satan can't get us to sway back into our old habits that Jesus delivered us from, then he'll try to distract us from God by keeping us occupied with work and other obligations. Well, thank God for simple revelation! I may have fallen for the devil's trick this time, but I'm glad I caught it! After these discoveries, I feel much closer to God and my faith has increased. It was definitely worth all of the doubt I had (which I'm still working on) and I have a lot of confidence in what God has in store for me and how He wants me to handle different situations.

As this year comes to a close, I am amazed at who God is and how He works. The beginning of 2011 wasn't my best and I was still very much lost and depressed. But what a difference a conclusion makes! Not only have I given my life to Jesus, but I'm mentally stable and medication-free for almost a year and a dean's list student with a 4.0 GPA with a brand new, optimistic outlook on life. I am extremely blessed to be His child and super excited for 2012. Thank God for new beginnings! Happy New Year!!!

Song Of The Post: CeCe Winans - The Wind (Tears For You)

[K]

Where's The Fire?

There comes a time in everybody's life when we reach an age where it's OK to be young but not OK to act youthful...at least all the time. To you, it may seem like being a young adult is all the justification needed to live life on the edge but to those who have been around the block a few times, it's usually looked upon as immaturity.

I have always been known as the jokester. I am quick to make people smile or laugh and I love the feeling of making people's day just a little easier to get through. This trait of mine is one that has been with me for as long as I can remember. Even now at 22, I still joke around as if I'm still in high school. Now I'm learning that there is a time and place for everything and that not all situations need to be made out to seem humorous. It's good to have this trait, though. It never hurts to know someone who is a constant optimist and can find humor in almost any situation. I know this and my friends and family know this. But sometimes, especially when it comes to my mother, I feel as though my joking personality isn't well received or always understood. Ironically, I inherited much of my sense of humor from my mother so her inability to look at mine as some sort of outlet really baffles me. I can remember her telling me to grow up, to act my age and to be serious. Whenever I'd hear her make these remarks I'd die a little on the inside. To me, I interpreted that message as 'be other than who you are!' As a fragile, sensitive person, these remarks were daggers to my already broken spirit.

As I have consistently pointed out in previous posts, I lacked self-esteem, was bullied, suffered from mental setbacks and was struggling to fit in anywhere I could. It was hard enough being mistreated by my peers and even my younger sister, but to feel as though my personality was disliked by my own mother really cut me deeply. That was a few years back. Obviously now I've managed to take back my mind, purpose and confidence all through God's grace and I haven't felt more useful and at peace than I do now. I pray all the time for God to strengthen me in all areas of physical and spiritual life and it is apparent that I am making progress. But even to this day, from time to time, my mother still tells me that I need to grow up and that by now I should have more friends, a boyfriend and should be a part of a sorority. My spiritual growth is happening everyday, but the pain and defensiveness still comes out from time to time whenever these circumstances arise.

I remember my Nana telling me stories of what my mom was like growing up. Like me, she was a quiet, reserved and smart girl who got picked on at school, too. Perhaps she dealt with these events the same way I did by internalizing what they said and accepting the idea that what those girls said about her was true. Now my mother never ended up in the hospital for bottling up her emotions like I did, but I can still see traces of the effects it had on her life. For instance, I can't remember the last time my mom had a consistent friend to hang out with. I never grew up seeing her and a close girlfriend sitting in the living room talking in to the early hours of the morning and I never saw her go on girls night outings. Thinking about it now, I do feel bad because we share similar experiences. Furthermore I can understand her motives behind telling me that by now, she'd already expected me to be involved in all sorts of things. So let me just say that I do understand her intentions are not malicious at all. Still, it hurts.

From the age of 13 until I was 20, I battled with myself in my mind trying to figure out who I was. I was what God would refer to as a wanderer. I didn't know who I was yet I was willing to look any and everywhere to find the answer. My mentality was badly crippled with the harmful words of others and I was becoming accepting of their perceptions of me. I became comfortable with being the quiet, shy one who didn't know how to have a good time. I was so concerned with what other people thought of me that that became the very thing my life was driven by. But now that I've found Jesus and realized that His opinion is the only one that matters, my level of stress has decreased while my genuine happiness and peace levels are at an all time high. For the first time since ever, I am satisfied with who I am, where I am and where I'm headed. God told me that I don't have to worry about anything and that message alone has provided me with an astounding amount of joy.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is: Where's the fire? Why the rush? It always rubbed me the wrong way when people take it upon themselves to rush others into maturity by suggesting to them who they should be. To me, that is completely insensitive...especially if the one telling you to change is doing nothing to bring change. People may be the same in most aspects of life, but the amount of time it takes people to reach the same level of agreement and understanding cannot be set to a timeline. For instance, me being brought up in a God-fearing family with numerous resources still couldn't keep me from wandering away from Christ and doing my own thing. It didn't keep me from hurting myself through various means and poisonous relationships. It couldn't keep me from my stint in the hospital, being put on medication and being subjected to monthly psychiatrist visits to keep my mental health in check. No. God allowed all of that to happen in my life so that I could understand my stubbornness and realize that the journey I was used to taking was a dead end. This holds true for anyone who has ever taken a breath.

Praise God that I am no longer who I was and that I'm following His light. I am confident in myself and in Him that everything from this point on is taken care of. So I say again: Where's the fire?  Oh, that's right! There isn't one! Being happy in who I am is so far, the biggest accomplishment of my life. Now that I've surrendered my all to the Lord and He knows that I am willing to work on myself for Him for the rest of my life, surely He will work with me on a schedule best suited to bring about more positive change. He is successful and good in working with prominent Bible figures, even Israel. Heck they all needed time to come to their own and accept God's grace. That my friend, is how I know I'm on the right track.

Song Of The Post: Tim Story - Hidden Country

[K]

Abiding In Hope

Like many Christians just starting out (or even veteran believers), I had no idea how to continue about my journey with Christ. I was obviously overcome with joy, peace and a sense of confirmation but I didn't know where to go from there. I felt stuck. The more I told myself I was stuck, the more I believed it. I then began comparing myself to other believers and saying in my mind that they were better Christians and more liked and accepted by God than I. I knew I was letting the enemy back into God and I's territory of sacred, vulnerable honesties and I couldn't let that happen. I remember a quote I saw a while back and it read:

"Satan trembles when he sees the weakest believer on his knees."

I definitely did not want to return to my old life of self mental abuse and depression, so I began to pray. I asked God to be patient with me because I was new to this experience. I asked Him to slowly teach and reveal to me the things He wanted me to become aware of. And more importantly, I prayed that He would continue to encourage me so that I could, in turn, encourage myself to live under His shadow. I was slowly understanding that there is no timeline of which a believer should follow to ensure maximum salvation and get on God's best side. Furthermore, those who reach their lowest points have all experienced these lows from different paths and circumstances. I am no different, so being patient with someone who is sincerely seeking out His heart with all of my heart was something God Himself told me He is capable of handling. I then began reading and studying the bible in a way that I knew would be beneficial to me both now and in the future. My first topic of discussion was hope.

As I started diving into this topic, I learned three things: God is sovereign, God is just and God is omnipresent. And the book of the bible which better helped me understand these three points, is the book of Psalms.

**God Is Sovereign**

In Psalm 71, I was amazed at how much David relied on the Father for everything. He hoped in the Lord for refuge, strength, protection through trials and from the wicked and, of course, the source of his hope. In just the first three verses it's apparent that David is almost begging God to hear him, save him and protect him. Those verses alone show me the kind of relationship David had with God. He knew that because of his human nature that he had no hope. But in acknowledging God as the only One known for good, he begged for his mercy and to not be shamed in doing so. These three verses have always been difficult for me to get through because they struck such a chord within me. Before I knew Jesus, I was depressed. I felt alone and vulnerable and unsure of how to deal with my problems so I bottled them up. But in Psalm 71, before anything, David starts off by asking the Lord for protection! The fact that David's example showed me just what to do when I need help was both overwhelming and astounding to me. He then goes on to say that while his life has been an example to many (perhaps through both bad and good experiences) he will still praise and hope in the Lord anyway because from Him is where he gets his strength and protection. David's hope in God is the exact kind of hope I want to have in my Lord. I don't want to be that young woman anymore who sweeps her problems under the rug instead of vocalizing them to God. I'd rather fall to my knees and cry out to Him for protection so that I can regain strength and even more hope. God is sovereign because He is the only One who both understands and can help me with my problems. David's plea shows me that he trusted no one else but the Lord to give him hope and strength to overcome his flesh and those of the world. The Lord is the God of hope who freely gives to all who come to him with all of life's problems.

**God Is Just**

As I may have said before, the source of my depression and near self-hatred stemmed from others who said hurtful, negative things about me...even threatened me. Never knowing this kind of pain, I kept it all inside, tormenting myself with their remarks. As time progressed, I learned to live with what those individuals said about me, however, I couldn't shake my anger for them. Whenever I thought of them or someone brought them up, I'd get angry and say negative things about them to make myself feel better. Literally years had passed and I was still bitter towards those girls. I didn't allow God to have total control of that situation by giving Him the power to soften my heart and forgive them. Instead I shoved Him away and continued to carry the weight of my pain alone. It certainly didn't make the pain go away any faster. Psalm 37 speaks about how to deal with being wronged (or trespassed against) by others. In verse 8, God tells me:

"Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose

your temper - it only leads to harm."

Reading this, I realized that I was still bitter and angry about what happened to me all those years ago. As said before, talking about those girls certainly didn't make me feel any better about myself or the situation. Furthemore, the only one being "harmed" by the words I was speaking, was myself both mentally and physically. I felt this compelling need to share my anguish with others so much so that it became physically exhausting to repeat the same story to different people. But more serious was the mental damage my actions brought. Because I never freed myself of their words and actions, I constantly tormented myself with negative thoughts which in turn caused my mind to eventually collapse. I was admitted to a hospital where I was mentally evaluated for 4 days after showing signs of bipolar disorder. It is, to this very date, the most humiliating, humbling, and shameful experience I have ever gone through. Yet, I believe God was still with me. And in the days and months following that ordeal, it was revealed to me the amount of time I wasted giving my enemies access to my mind. I also began to understand that forgiveness was not only for their benefit, but for mine as well. I had to learn to how to let God do His job by acting on His own righteous vengeance and giving all of my burdens to Him while in turn being hopeful in the Lord and knowing my place.

**God Is Omnipresent**

In Psalm 139, David goes into further detail about God's character...His omnipresence. He speaks about God knowing all of me down to the very last detail and how it is impossible to escape Him. When I was younger and depressed, I believed I was alone so much so that I became comfortable with isolating myself from others. I didn't think anyone would understand my problems so locking my bedroom door behind me was where I felt at home. But reading the first verse really stuck out at me. It says:

                                    "O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything

about me."

Isn't is amazing that God cared to know all about who I was even when I couldn't be less interested in Him? What's even more ironic is that in me believing He wasn't the answer to my problems, it turns out that He was all I needed simply because He created me and knows me better than I know myself! Who better to turn to whenever I'm being misunderstood than the Creator who speaks my style of language in ways that will bring me the best understanding?! This verse alone gives me so much hope, peace and joy that I can't think about it without smiling a little. In verse 5, David continues with:

"You go before me and follow me. You

place your hand of blessing on my head."

So not only does God know me better than I do, but he travels before me and beside me. If that's not comforting then I'm afraid I don't know what comfort feels like. In other words, God has seen and knows all that will happen to me by going ahead of me, and when it gets to the point when I have to make certain decisions, He is more than willing to walk with me, giving me the holy advice that I need along the way.

What an amazing God I serve! His love and being is so astoundingly perfect that I will always be in awe and short of a complete understanding. His mystery keeps me intrigued and hopeful and I am blessed to know Him! How fortunate am I to know the One who isn't surprised by anything, who has an answer for it all and who is my refuge and rock? Isn't it great that I know a God who has my back no matter what and who reveals to me what I need to know no matter the circumstance? But more importantly, isn't it fantastic that my God knows my heart and every fiber of my being? Or that He walks ahead of me and is prepared with honest advice when it is time for Him to walk with me? Never have I heard or known of another who has this loving character. I read somewhere that having hope in the Lord is quite similar to having a "confident expectation." If that is the case, then I most certainly have a confident expectation in my Lord who's will is perfect and who's word is truth and active. 

I may not have years of following Christ under my belt, but I do know that this is the longest that I've ever continued a personal relationship with anyone! Furthermore, I understand God didn't bring me this far to abandon me now. There is surely a reason why I'm still loving Him the way I do and I only hope to grow more and more in His love each day. Now that I know a timeline to achieve maximum salvation doesn't exist, I am much more comfortable taking my time to process and understand God's word the way He wants me to. God has been so patient with me these past few months and I am so grateful that it makes me want to learn that much more. The Lord is my only hope and as long as He loves me is how long I will serve Him. In Jesus name, Amen.

Song Of The Post: Audrey Assad - Restless

[K]

So This Is Love?

No matter who you are, everyone has gone through a point in their life where they felt unaccepted, unworthy, unloved and maybe even depressed. I can say from personal experience that these feelings are no walk in the park and have occurred in my life on many occasions. Some of the things I did to cope with these feelings were harmful to myself both mentally and physically. At one point I even hated myself and I believed that the only option I had left to feel better about myself was to be alone. I used drugs, outward appearances and other people's opinions to justify the kind of person I was. That was my outlet. Other people's outlets could include having relationships. Whatever your poison, I think we can all agree that what each of us seek and want out of life is a true, accepting love that never changes.

Who knew that the love could be Jesus? Coming from my background, I had always heard of Him and heard about what He did to save humanity, but that was it. After that point I didn't really have a personal  understanding about who Jesus is and the love that He has for the world. Well, everyday since changing my life for Him, I've gradually realized the depth of His love and just how real it is that He chose to take extreme measures just to show people like me that He was serious. I'm sure you've all heard this verse, but I wanted to post it anyway:

For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whosoever believes in Him will

not die, but have everlasting life. -John 3:16

What is love? It's something so complex to explain that I can't form my own opinion about it. All I know is what it feels like...and this verse helps me to understand God's love. I mean, in what other way can someone show that they love you than by dying for you? Or giving up one of their own children to die in your place? Who do you know that would do that? Some of us won't even drop a few dimes in a tip jar at a coffee shop. So just imagine the level of selflessness Jesus had to have in order to carry out what God wanted! But before I came to this conclusion, the most difficult thing that I've had to deal with thus far, was believing that He truly loves me. As I said before, I've dealt with depression, replayed every hurtful comment made towards me in my mind, turned to drugs and even experimented with eating disorders. I had become so wrapped up in the false, negative definitions of myself that that's what I became comfortable with. Therefore, hearing that someone loved me even with all of my problems was difficult to understand. It's strange how people like myself spend a lot of time searching for love and acceptance and then when we get it, it scares us. And that's exactly how I felt. I didn't want to believe that Jesus loved me or that He even died for me.

The main thing I had to do to believe Jesus loved me, was to pray. I prayed that He'd be patient with me in accepting this strangely delicious, unconditional love. But I also prayed that I'd receive His love and allow myself to be happy. And wouldn't you know...it worked! I do believe that He selflessly died for me which in turn has given me a great sense of joy and peace. I can honestly claim that I've never felt this happy with such a purpose in my entire life! Furthermore my life has been engaged in how to live the way Jesus did ever since. I have to admit that it hasn't always been easy and I always have to pray about God increasing my belief in Him as well as to be patient with this process, but I'm not afraid of my future because I feel secure and content with just following His word.

The next step in this relationship is to keep up my end of the deal and give this "covenant" the TLC it deserves. At church two Sunday's ago, my pastor spoke about covenants and how it's so much more than a promise. He talked about when God created Adam in His likeness (meaning, he had God's blood since Adam had no earthly parents). And if you haven't noticed, sacrifices and blood are pretty symbolic in both the old and new testament. Anyway, with Adam receiving God's blood through his likeness, God and man are forever linked as members of the same family. He then went on to say that although it would've been easy for God to destroy Adam and Eve and just start all over again after the first sin was committed, it was something God could not do because he'd be going against the principle of keeping a promise. Still, even after all of this and the world from then on would be cursed with sin, God still had a backup plan: Jesus! If God really did think of all of this even before He created the world, then surely I can try my hardest to keep up with our covenant. My pastor said that God is committed to my success until death which is similar to the terms and agreements of any covenant.

I know that love is something we all want and need, but I promise you God's love is so much more rewarding that anything or anyone you'll encounter on Earth. I sincerely encourage you all to honestly seek Him out so that He can help you. And from one mending heart to another, please pray and believe. I understand it isn't easy but once He reveals His love to you I assure you that you won't have a desire to search for anything else.

- Song Of The Post: Brandon Heath - Love Never Fails

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Simple

I recently accepted Jesus into my life. On one hand, it has been incredibly beneficial and has given me genuine joy and happiness. But on the other hand, it has been difficult. I didn't realize just how wrong I was in everything I used to be. I'm learning everyday that just being a good person isn't enough for Him. One lesson I've been consumed with all week, is the lesson of simplicity. Humans tend to make all aspects of their lives more complicated than God had intended. For example, if I have a problem with hanging around the wrong crowd, I'd probably give myself a hard time for leaving them by making excuses for their behavior. Furthermore, I'd probably say that God wouldn't know how to help my situation because there is nothing in the Bible that speaks about "leaving good friends I've known since childhood." Well, obviously that's not true. You won't find a verse speaking exactly on the issue of breaking off a bad relationship after years of knowing someone, but you will find this:

"Flee the desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace with those

who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." - 2 Timothy 2:22

Leaving someone or something behind can be very difficult but if you're eager to change for the better, then meditating on this verse and putting it into action will be the first step to true happiness.  This verse isn't difficult to understand and it most certainly applies to this example especially if one is truly seeking God's help and love. Furthermore, God wouldn't have me join His cause unless he knew I'd be surrounded by people who love him just as much as I do.

Another lesson I'm learning, is how to look at the bigger picture. I recently got a midterm back that I didn't pass. It was the first major failure of the semester for me so I was really bummed. I went to sleep that night a little sad but not discouraged. I prayed and asked God to give me discipline and diligence to work harder for the next one. The next morning I woke up still feeling sad. Now that I sit here thinking about it, I let my emotions get the best of me. On Twitter, Joyce Meyer (who follows me by the way:]) tweeted:

'our emotions may be strong, but God is stronger.' 

It didn't strike me then but now it does. I never like waking up with the same attitude from yesterday so recalling Meyers' words were and still are a great source of truth and encouragement. My point is that while the Lord would love for me to be successful in school, He also wants me to be a devoted disciple. I can't possibly be that when I'm consumed in a test that I took three weeks ago! Living my life successfully is something Jesus wants for me but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me losing my focus on something I'm still new to: Him!

I have another midterm in two weeks, and not only am I going to study everyday until that exam, but I'm also going to pass with a B or higher. I will not allow Satan to discourage me and tell me that I'm not cut out for political science. Since I'm kickin' it with God now, there's no way ANYTHING I do is going to fail...that's God's promise to me.

Song of the Post: Phil Wickham - The Light Will Come

**UPDATE** I got my 2nd midterm back in my political science class and I earned an 88! Thanks, baby Jesus!

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